muscle flexing

crunching numbers.

crunching data.

like granola going out of style.


not crunching my abs.

thirty minutes 'til the abwork magic happens.


go figure.


you know.

we can and should do our abs the courtesy
of working them to exhaustion
EVERY DAY.

at the same time -

we can and should also do both our individual and collective brains
the courtesy of working it to exhaustion
EVERY DAY.


flex those muscles.

look at that body.

examine that mind.


i - i - i work out.


question is:

do you?

following through

Going back and reading through the past four or five years of having this here blogger, I realize I MASSIVELY FAILED at more than one of the blog-posting goals I had set up for myself. No, I'm not talking about the building of my own website because, frankly, that's definitely a priority that shifted, changed, and is no longer of importance to me. And I admitted it. In black. In white. On here.

So now here I am, waiting for the green light to leave CleveOH to head back to EriePA, thinking about some of my smaller failures over the past four-five years. Some of my more easily rectifiable failures. Which led me to think about how the power is in my hands - especially when it comes to my writing space. And my life space. And my workspace. And my brainspace.

I am embarrassed with myself because I did not follow through on two of the writing/blogging goals I had thought would be relatively facile for me get done. I am embarrassed because I cannot stand it when people in my life say they are going to follow through on something, then don't. I am well-known for my follow-through, but if I'm being honest with myself here, and of course you, my readers, I've also had my fair share of flaking out on things over the past years.

In the past, if I was unable to follow through with something, I usually did not have a problem accepting that sometimes I was unable to fulfill a commitment and let the person depending on me know that I was unable to fulfill said expectation. Then directing dependent person to other resources that could better fulfill their needs. It was also not as difficult for me (as it obviously has been over the past few years) to admit that I needed an extension or simply needed help in fulfilling expectations and following through on what I said I would do.

I'm trying to rebuild, reconstruct, patch up, whatever you want to call it - this characteristic of my self that I used to hold in such high regard because it was one of my best qualities, and I still hold it in high regard - even though I see I dropped the ball quite a bit over the past few years.

And while I'm disappointed with my self for doing that, I can't go back and change it per se, I can continue to improve and ideally prove through consistent demonstration, not only for others, but also for myself, that I am able to follow through, admit my missteps, accept responsibility, ask for help, change the situation(s), etc.

I am now, out in the open forum of my blog, admitting and accepting responsibility for this lesser quality I allowed to rear its ugly head in my life for a few years, and in response, have been proactively working on said lesser quality for several months now.

I still make missteps in my life, A LOT of them, but I learn from them, and change them, or work to change them - instead of saying it's life circumstance or that I have no control or any other number of excuses I know I've made - because I do have control over my choices and decisions.

This post was meant to more or less keep to my blog failures, but we all know it's also correlated to my real life.

Enter building blocks.

I'm going to redirect this post back to aforementioned blog failures. My two big blog FAILS over the past four-five years are: 1. Timeline - I still have two decades to finish posting.; 2. Self-Statements - Of the one hundred I said I would post, I only posted ten. TEN?!?! Really?!?!

If I calculate the completeness of each of these failures, I only achieved 33.33% of Timeline; 10% of Self-Statements. If I was graded or reviewed on these, they would definitely be considered failing scores.

I can't change the pre-existing failures, but I can do some extra credit by finishing and achieving these two blog topics that I've meant to complete because I want to and have wanted to...but for some reason, had not gotten around to doing. We all know I don't sleep much, so I can't say that I don't have time. That's a bullshit excuse.

This is one of the big changes I'm in-process of better understanding the motivations behind, dealing, and thus confronting head-on this year. No matter how uncomfortable I am.

Not just with the blog, but in all facets of my life. Taking ownership back, following through, asking for help when I need it, knowing when I am simply unable to fulfill an expectation or need to put it on hold, and then communicating that to any other parties involved.

That said. My two blog failures are going to be successes this year.

Time to get back on the road again...

Blog Fail

Only 11 posts in 2011?

I'm going to have to rectify this STAT!

As I stated in my July 26 post, I have rid my life of much crazy. And I realize I haven't even shared much, if anything, of what has gone on in the life of Karoline over the past year or so. Perhaps that is a potential starting point in regards to my hopes for more frequent blog updates.

Updating may also be beneficial since I am coming off an awful head, neck, and spinal injury from derby, and frankly my brain hasn't been working/processing things in the same fashion which it is used to doing. It's definitely getting better, but I have to say my ditzy factor seems to not be getting better as quickly as the rest of my brain capabilities. Is that the right word I am looking for - capabilities? If it's not the correct word, see above. Head injury.

I *am* hoping that I'll be back on the track in 2012 as long as my impact scores allow me to engage in a full contact sport sooner, rather than later.

Peace out until the next time.

This year I vow to take better care of my self.

That's what I got right now.

been sick with the worst flu EVER for about the past week now. i'm on the mend, but that explains why my next installment of ten items about me have yet to be posted. i think i've lost about five-ten pounds. funny, since people are supposed to be gaining weight around this time of year. stress+flu = weight loss. i'll hopefully have something more interesting to post in the next few days - along with the next installment of ten. i hope everyone else out there who reads this here blogger of mine is doing well in mind, body, and wealth-health. back to my space station...err, my couch.

so much in the silence

I'm apparently going through a quiet phase. This has been going on for an undisclosed amount of time. As you can tell, it's been a fairly long phase, and I'm not sure how much longer it will go on.

I will say that it has been a difficult year in many aspects of my life. As time moves forward, I find I am gaining physical, mental, and emotional strength paired with a positive momentum, not to mention insight, education, creativity, understanding, compassion, and wisdom; Although I am not moving forward as quickly as time seems to be.

Maggie is amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be today, if not for my beautiful child. She is my heart. And for as long as I am around, I will strive to give her the best life possible within mine and what I consider to be my Greater Power.

I hope to begin posting more often on here. While facebook has its merits, it's not the same as my trusty blog.

Any Day Now

Last Thursday night I went to the hospital because my doctor thought I might be in labor due to my intense back pains/spasms. As it turns out I was having contractions and they were 1-3 minutes apart lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. This had been going on throughout the course of the day then continuing along the same path for a couple hours at the hospital. But then something happened. The contractions started to wane. 3-5 minutes apart. Then 7-9 minutes apart. Then back to 3-5 minutes apart. My dilation had made some progress, but not enough to induce, so I was told that I could get a morphine drip and stay in the hospital overnight and take it from there, or I could go home and brave it with some Tylenol. Being that I was starving from not being able to eat since around 100AM earlier that day and not wanting an IV of anything unless absolutely necessary, I opted for the latter. J and I left the hospital around 1145PM and then headed directly to the closest 24 hour restaurant establishment we could find - which happened to be the Eat and Park. It was a decent breakfast meal, although I could have done without the table full of idiot redneck types sitting next to us. I mean seriously.

There were six of them, all at least in their late twenties, and not only were they obnoxiously loud, their conversation revolved around things like, "You know what they say about a guy with big feet..." ARGH! Not such good ambience EVER let alone for a ravenous, angry pregnant lady who is in the midst of still having contractions and wants nothing more than some delicious eggs over easy and french toast. And it didn't help that what I really wanted was IHOP deliciousness instead of the Choke and Puke. The IHOP I speak of is about a block up from the hospital, but it was mysteriously closed that night...and now I am hoping that it hasn't permanently closed. That would be a travesty for me while I'm in the hospital. You see, I have already told John that my first meal after I have the baby will be pancakes with strawberry syrup from the IHOP. Oh yes, my mind is oh so often still on the pancakes. Has been for several weeks or is it months now. Talk about a craving. So let's just hope the IHOP isn't, in fact, closed permanently.

Fast forward to today. Tuesday. My front labor pains have pretty much ceased, other than a few an hour, and I am still waiting. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I'm hoping everything will be a go to induce this weekend. With my family history, I am really hoping I won't need to have the dreaded c-section, but with five out of six sisters needing them, the odds aren't really in my favor. What I am ready for is for the baby to be here. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy the time I have now, but it is a challenge to enjoy this time when I feel so isolated and incapacitated. And then it didn't help today when I literally walked into a wall in my house, then about 15 minutes later proceeded to fall down about five stairs. Yeah, I would definitely say I am ready for the baby.

Fourteen Days Until D-Day

I'm due in 14 days. At my doctor's appointment this week, I found out my dilation and effacement had no change from the previous week. Well then. There went my high hopes of having the baby before the due date, but still full-term. I feel kind of bad for saying this, but I am ready to be done. I can barely get up off my couch without help, and let's not even talk about what an ordeal it is for me to get out of bed at night for the billionty times I have to pee. Then there are the mysterious migraine-type headaches I've been getting for about a week now, generally feeling like a pile of dog poop, the OHMYGOSH my left foot is so swollen I can't get a shoe on it, the surge in my weight (again), and the swollenest face I've EVER had - IN MY LIFE. My doctor mentioned the weight herself because she was surprised at just how swollen I was at my 900AM appointment and she thinks I might be showing signs of toxemia, but since my blood pressure is still in the normal range for me - even though it's higher than my usual 90/60, and my proteins are still normal, she doesn't think it's toxemia quite yet. I am monitoring the blood pressure daily now, and have been relegated to "no more manual labor" and "resting with your feet elevated above your heart."

I have entirely too much stress on my back from the baby, which we also found out earlier this week when I was scrubbing the bathroom and it literally took me twenty minutes to get myself switched from all fours on the floor, to propped up against the bathtub with my butt on the floor, then heaved up onto the edge of the tub to sit, then miraculously to my feet. No more manual labor. I don't know how I will be able to handle this. I am, by nature, an obsessive person when it comes to keeping things tidy and clean. It's taken me a long time to be begrudgingly, but somewhat okay with John's love of stacking piles of stuff, which I call stacks of crap, and I don't know how I am going to handle not really being able to do all the cleaning up type duties that I perform on a regular basis. Cleaning is cleansing to me. Cleaning is catharsis.

From previous experience, I know I can't relax when chores aren't done and everything is more or less cleaned up and back in place. And I also know from previous experience, that I have greeeeeeeeeeat difficulty in relying on someone else to shoulder the responsibilities and that when I do, things are never done as efficiently, effectively, or as well as I do them. Heck, we used to have a cleaning person, but we stopped that after I noticed that the shower had gone one too many times without the proper cleaning. My standards aren't/weren't met. J says I hold myself and others to ridiculously high standards...I don't know about that. But I guess I will find out more about my standards and limits over the coming weeks when I have to rely on him more than I am used to in order to get the regular chores done around the house. I don't know how I am going to react to this change, but I am hopeful that we will able to cope. That I am able to cope.

I've been told that my world is going to be turned upside down once the baby gets here. Maybe I will change and be able to let messy rooms go for longer than I'm used to doing. Maybe I won't. And while I believe others when they say my world is totally going to change, at least I'll be able to get on my hands and knees to clean the floors again.

The Insomnia Returns

I thought I was supposed to lose sleep AFTER the baby was here. Nope. This is sooo not the case. I've recently found out the loss of sleep starts early. For the past month or so, I've had terrible sleep. Terrible as in the insomnia I used to experience in high school, college, and into my mid-twenties. I don't think I've written about my battles with insomnia on here, but let me tell you one thing, insomnia is definitely not something that will maximize your productivity (unless you are hopped up on something). And insomnia is certainly no fun. No fun indeed.

In order to conquer the worst bits of my insomnia, it's really taken a lot of time, money, and energy to get to a point where I can sleep for more than a couple hours at time, but with help, I found a solution...well I used to have one, that is until the past month or so reared its ugly head. Over the past couple years, I've grown accustomed to a good solid 7 hours of sleep a night and the recent disruption in my sleep patterns has really messed with my mojo. If I'm not getting up to pee every 40 minutes, I'm only sleeping for an hour (two, if I'm lucky) at a time. Totally unfair.

And while I am trying to look at this disruption as preparation for when the baby gets here, it's hard to keep an objective mind about it when I can see my fuse getting shorter and shorter every day. I thought pregnant/mom brain was bad enough, but combine that with lack of sleep, and you get one majorly bad case of goofy brain. I say this as I am on Day 3 of getting less than 2 hours of total sleep in one night. I just want one more night of good solid sleep before the baby gets here. But I think that may be too much to ask.

36 weeks

35 weeks
Originally uploaded by .karoline

I had my 36 week appointment yesterday, and it is safe to say that all is looking great at this point. J was able to make it to this one thankfully as I was having my first internal check since the first trimester. I am already dilated 1cm. Can you believe it?!

So what does this dilation mean to me and the baby? My doctor says that I will likely be delivering between 38-40 weeks. So pretty much on-time. How's that for my body doing some lean manufacturing. Guaranteed on-time delivery. Hahaha. And here I was thinking the baby would come out late, but apparently she's ready to greet the world on-time, and that makes me very happy.

What else? The babe moves around constantly, the heart rate is normal, growth is good, she's still tilted head down, my weight gain is normal this week, and my blood pressure is low. Going into Monday's appointment, the only thing I was really concerned about was my weight because at my last appointment I was told I had gained too much poundage between appointments. Seven pounds total weight gain. Five pounds "more than necessary."

You see, my doctor's nurse was out so a different doctor's nurse in the practice weighed me in and told me I gained about five more pounds than I needed to between my appointments and that I needed to watch that. I was completely bent out of shape about that being said to me. One reason being that my medical file says that I am to get blindweighted because of my ED history and I ALSO mentioned it when we got to the scale, and then the second reason being was that if she actually glanced at the progress I've been making, my weight gain has been below-average to average (you may remember that I was told I needed to be eating more for awhile there and that I was put on a more structured plan for that), so a five pound surge shouldn't have been too alarming.

So I talked to my doctor about it, she apologized for what happened and told me that my one little piece of extra weight gain was perfectly fine, especially since my weight gain has been healthy and I'm pretty much all baby. Yes, you see, I am not only The Stubborn Swede, I am also the Short-Waisted, Stocky Swede. At this point there is nowhere else for the baby to go but outwards. I am somewhat convinced I am growing the Sasquatch baby. With John being so tall, I am really beginning to wonder. I suppose we will know in just a few weeks.

Ack! My due date is one month away!

NYE

It's that time again. The eve of the New Year...which means I will be reviewing my 2008 goals and putting together the official outline for my 2009 goals. I've been thinking quite a bit about my 2009 goals over the past few months, so I definitely have a solid foundation going into the whole process. Some of my goals in 2008 were achieved, some were not. I had some pretty challenging curveballs thrown in my direction this year, and I feel I definitely dealt with them successfully without detriment to my self, my relationships, my recovery, and my work.

Being able to successfully deal is an overall improvement from my past actions and behaviors. I would not have been able to deal had I not learned how to ask for help when I needed it through therapy and the amazing support system I have in place with family, friends, and doctors. I've always had some support beams in place, but I never really took advantage of them before, and through the completely life-changing experiences I went through and survived in 2007, I have learned I cannot do everything alone.

It took time for me to come to terms with opening myself up to others and actually being proactive in my recovery versus my typical modus of paying lip service and acting as though everything was a-okay. Life has been pretty darn amazing since I have opened myself up to really living, and I'm so happy I am still around. I want everyone who has been there for me to know how much they mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am at emotionally, spriritually, mentally, professionally, and even physically without you.

On to 2009!

The Fluness

I have just survived a three day, knock down, drag out boxing match with the Fluness. I haven't had the flu in years and had forgotten how horribly awful it is. Of course I got the flu over the weekend J and I had planned to do much of the baby furniture shopping, so it's postponed to this weekend. Hopefully I'll be up to it. I'm still feeling like a pile of blurgh and the weekend is only a few days away.

Blurgh.

Miscellany

For those people who want to know what has and hasn't actually been going on in my life recently, here's an update on life buildup:

-- Last Monday (Happy Friggin' St. Patrick's Day!) I had my second oral surgery and root canal of the year. Completed after yet another jaw infection and abscessed tooth. Bone loss included. We are hopeful this one will take and a new porcelain crown will join the dregs of my slowly recovering eating disordered mouth in the next couple weeks. My mouth is a moneypit.

-- Travel to Argentina is scheduled for April 14. This is a 4-5 week trip. I'm hoping for five.

-- Since the travel to Argentina is occurring much later than anticipated, the Cleveland Half-Marathon is going to be a no-go this year. I will achieve my goal of running a half this year, just not in Cleveland. Right now we are looking to travel somewhere to run in July or August. My vote is for the Rock and Roll Marathon and Half in Virginia Beach over Labor Day weekend, but we shall see. But there is also the Roadrunner and USAF right here in Ohio, so who knows?

-- Also along the lines of switching up my 2008 goals, I think I am going to join CrossFit instead of starting a beginner Pilates class...at least for now. Since moving back up here, I've been itching to get myself into a hardcore fitness program to burnBURNburn as well as to meet likeminded people, but have been lacking in the "go get'em" attitude to do so. I'm tired of not getting the desired results from the solo workouts I do and after much research, I've officially decided CrossFit is the type of thing I'm looking for in regards to exercise regimens and muscle building. Check it: Cleveland CrossFit Now the question is, "Do I start ASAP or after I get back from Argentina?" Not sure yet.

-- I'm still seriously contemplating hair extensions.

-- I am scheduled to get more work done on my left forearm next Wednesday, April 2. I will be driving down to Pittsburgh to have Joe Bruce ink me up at Stay Gold Tattoo. He's awesome. A fantastic artist. I will post pictures after the session.

-- I've recently been in contact with one of my really great friends from my undergrad days at the U of A. He found me on LinkedIn and is actually featured in my x365 posts which have stalled yet again; But will have back up and running as soon as things settle down in my life. I should call it my x365 in x730 days. I think it is going to take that long for me to get it done. But you know what? Slow and steady wins the mystery race, right? Ha! Anyways, my buddy is a fellow writer and the correspondence has been nothing short of great. I'm stoked that he found me and that I can once again call him my friend.

-- I've been diligent in my learning the ins and outs of CSS for my personal website which will be: The Stubborn Swede, but I'm almost tempted to just plug my blogger into the site versus actuallly building. Temptation is hard to resist. For now, I am resisting. Largely because me having knowledge equals power over what I am doing in regards to current career change. But that's the future domain. FYIJSYK.

-- Speaking of tecchie things, I need to relearn PhotoShop. Last time I used it was like seven years ago maybe? Six? A long time ago. I also need to find the Sony DSC-H2 as it is boxed up from my last move. I would also like to learn the Nikon D80 that has been gathering dust in the hall closet...maybe I'll get a chance down in Bargentina. And spring is coming which means I can use the awesome list of places in ClevelandOH to go shoot photos Kill Basa sent me a few months ago. I'm looking forward to that.

-- Going on a ghosthunt to the West Virginia State Penitentiary with a paranormal group during July. Confirmation came via email yesterday, so it's a go. Supercool, eh? Moundsville is spoooooky.

Overall, life for me has been a series of far ups and far downs since coming back north. What I can say is that I am sticking to my plans and am asking for help when I need it. I have a wonderful support system and I am truly blessed to be able to lean on those people in my life.

Recovery is difficult. But worth it.

Funktronic

I am so over the weather up here. I am melting down to a funktronic state unlike any other funk-state I've experienced in the past. This is not good. This would account for my recent silence. I'll be back soon. But for now silence is okay, and I've put the weather gods on notice. ;)

You TOTALLY Want To Know

Since the post about my detox of sorts, I know you have been plagued with thoughts regarding what exactly is in the Green Lemonade concoction. Well, I'll tell you.

Ingredients are as follows: Kale, Celery, Apples, Lemons, Ginger Root (optional). It's even more delicious than it sounds. The way to my heart is through this delicious libation. No, not really, but I figure if I keep telling myself this, then maybe, just maybe, I'll convince myself that this beverage is truly delicious.

I'm drinking it out of a wine glass because it makes me feel regal. Just like my cat.

Green Lemonade is my Very Fancy Feast.

Detox

I'm doing a 3-5 day green lemonade and water fast beginning Tuesday. I decided to do this seeing as how my energy levels have been all over the map and I'd like to help myself get those in check before heading down to South America at mystery dates still needing to be declared.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate not knowing solid dates of impending long trips/longer-ranging plans? Well, I do. I hatehatehate it. Being stuck in a state of flux. Trying to figure out where exactly I put my favorite linen pants and sundresses that I may or may not need depending on the dates of the trip. Not being able to commit to any other plans as the waiting continues for a trip with no dates declared yet. I'm so angstified about it that my OCD picking tendencies have reared their ugly head. I've had these in check for awhile, but not so much now. Argh!

Well at least I know where my passport is.

Back to the detox. While I've been eating more normally over the past few weeks and I've been cooking versus eating out as often, I've noticed some not so wonderful physical changes to my body. Of course these changes could be imagined and purely symptomatic of my eating disorder, or they could be reality. I am not sure I want to know, but I did decide to do a modified raw fast next week. I went raw a few years ago, and while it absolutely sucked the first two days, I noticed a significant positive change in my physical health. But maybe it was too good...and raw wasn't to be a long-term diet change for me - especially with my ED history. So it was tried for awhile and then I reverted to more normalized eating. I mean, who REALLY sits down and eats 1/2 a watermelon for lunch? Really.

I am convinced it is going to help me get a lot of crap (no pun intended) out of my body and hopefully help regulate my sleeping schedule a little better. I am also hoping it will help me to slow down a little and stop the OCD behviors I am currently experiencing. I'm sure the fast will be interesting regardless.

Adventures In Teeth: One

I've had approximately $2700-$3000 worth of work done on my teeth between June 2007 and January 2008. Three. Thousand. Dollars. And I still have two more appointments to keep in February.

My new partials are apparently made from the horn of unicorns.

Goals 2008

1. Train, run, and complete the Cleveland Half-Marathon.
2. Begin development on my first book; Write at least thirty minutes a day, five times a week.
3. Broaden freelance network base; Forge ahead with career change; Do rewarding work.
4. Learn all the ins and outs of CSS; Finish website; Develop and launch two new websites; Become more well-versed in the tech world.
5. Continue to circularly practice proactivity in my recovery.
6. Learn how to better manage finances and stick to budget.
7. Travel to at least three new places this year; Continue to save money for trip to Sweden.
8. Train, workout five-six times a week as long as it does not adversely affect my recovery; Begin regular pilates classes.
9. Locate, research, and visit various geographic areas where relocation would be possible in the next three years, so there is a geo-pool from which to choose.
10. Maintain current healthy relationships, purge the unhealthy relationships, improve relationships I want to keep but are currently suffering, and develop and grow healthy new relationships.

Slight Reflection

Every year since I left Arizona, I've written a wellness goal list. This is not to be confused with stereotypical resolutions for the New Year such as: "I resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, etc.," but rather, a list of ways to improve my life and continue to strive to achieve a better balance of wellness in my mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional states. I call(ed) it my "well-list."

I would post previous years in here; However, largely due to the Great Karoline Meltdown of 2007, I deleted all of them off my hard drive. Awesome, right? No.

That seemingly small yet significant action I performed in June of last year, gives you an insight into my state of mind for a large part of last year - not to mention a few years previous to that.

I felt I wasn't worth having goals and dreams to achieve. I simply didn't want to be around anymore. And it surely wasn't worth having a list of five years of small successes and what I perceived to be huge failures for others to view and make commentary on regarding my life when I was busy checking out on everyone - including myself. So I purged those goals and dreams. Just like I intended to purge myself.

I again believe it is important for me to have goals and dreams to achieve, so I am starting over with my list this year. This is yet another small significant action on my part. By doing this, I am showing to myself and others that I am worth existing and having successes as well as failures, no matter how small or large.

Right now, I'm in the race of life for the long haul, and I am hoping to prove to myself and others that I am proactively changing for the better and trying to do the "next best thing" in all aspects of my life.

It was a long way down, and I'm trying to find my way back upUpup. I think the challenge is worth it.

Lately eating has lost its luster to me. This worries me a bit. For the past while, I eat because I know my body needs the fuel, not because I have hunger cues and not because I enjoy it. Because I don't.

At least not lately. It's like open mouth, insert food - because I have to do it. If I don't, I won't have the energy I need and my body won't function the way I need it to function. Sometimes I hateHATEhate this aspect of my being.