In a slump. Need to get back to writing for at least 30 minutes a day. This will happen. Give me a couple months...and oh yes, I will achieve my two blogging goals of the year. Even if it means I have to do it all within the span of a day or two. Nothing like jam-packing procrastinating. ;)

not sure how i'm feeling about the new changes to the blogger. i guess i should just keep my trap shut until i use it more than two times since the changes happened.


i'm dipping my toes into the waters of change. and while it's not fantastic, it's not terrible either...so i'll probably have a better-formed opinion in the next two weeks. you know, after i've posted some more in this here blog o' mine.


i am not resistant to change. change is generally good. and sometimes change works out some kinks you didn't even realize were there to begin with in the first place. 


---


the derby season is in high gear. 


read: high-octane overdrive as far as my involvement in and with the sport goes. 


tomorrow i am heading up to JamestownNY to NSO (non-skating official/officiate) for the Babes of Wrath (BoW) in their season-opener against the Little Steel Derby Girls (LSDG) from YoungstownOH. it's sure to be a good game. 

i adore both of these leagues, and i am very much looking forward to watching the game as much as possible...although when you are in an NSO, reffing, or even bench coaching role, you don't get to seeSEEsee as much as you hoped you would - thank goodness for DVDs. :)

I got three statements done tonight. In reference to the next official installment of Self-Statements post. Trying to not over-think the statements.

Over-thinking is something I struggle with on a fairly regular basis. I just want to make sure the statements are honest, open, forthcoming. Because, hell, if I'm going to throw these statements: facts, opinions, perceptions, out there into the blogosphere...well, I want them to be as accurate as possible.

Hoping to have the next installment finished within the next three days.

No.

I take that back.

There is no hoping.

I will have that installment done within the next three days.

--

On another note. I need to get some serious beauty sleep.

following through

Going back and reading through the past four or five years of having this here blogger, I realize I MASSIVELY FAILED at more than one of the blog-posting goals I had set up for myself. No, I'm not talking about the building of my own website because, frankly, that's definitely a priority that shifted, changed, and is no longer of importance to me. And I admitted it. In black. In white. On here.

So now here I am, waiting for the green light to leave CleveOH to head back to EriePA, thinking about some of my smaller failures over the past four-five years. Some of my more easily rectifiable failures. Which led me to think about how the power is in my hands - especially when it comes to my writing space. And my life space. And my workspace. And my brainspace.

I am embarrassed with myself because I did not follow through on two of the writing/blogging goals I had thought would be relatively facile for me get done. I am embarrassed because I cannot stand it when people in my life say they are going to follow through on something, then don't. I am well-known for my follow-through, but if I'm being honest with myself here, and of course you, my readers, I've also had my fair share of flaking out on things over the past years.

In the past, if I was unable to follow through with something, I usually did not have a problem accepting that sometimes I was unable to fulfill a commitment and let the person depending on me know that I was unable to fulfill said expectation. Then directing dependent person to other resources that could better fulfill their needs. It was also not as difficult for me (as it obviously has been over the past few years) to admit that I needed an extension or simply needed help in fulfilling expectations and following through on what I said I would do.

I'm trying to rebuild, reconstruct, patch up, whatever you want to call it - this characteristic of my self that I used to hold in such high regard because it was one of my best qualities, and I still hold it in high regard - even though I see I dropped the ball quite a bit over the past few years.

And while I'm disappointed with my self for doing that, I can't go back and change it per se, I can continue to improve and ideally prove through consistent demonstration, not only for others, but also for myself, that I am able to follow through, admit my missteps, accept responsibility, ask for help, change the situation(s), etc.

I am now, out in the open forum of my blog, admitting and accepting responsibility for this lesser quality I allowed to rear its ugly head in my life for a few years, and in response, have been proactively working on said lesser quality for several months now.

I still make missteps in my life, A LOT of them, but I learn from them, and change them, or work to change them - instead of saying it's life circumstance or that I have no control or any other number of excuses I know I've made - because I do have control over my choices and decisions.

This post was meant to more or less keep to my blog failures, but we all know it's also correlated to my real life.

Enter building blocks.

I'm going to redirect this post back to aforementioned blog failures. My two big blog FAILS over the past four-five years are: 1. Timeline - I still have two decades to finish posting.; 2. Self-Statements - Of the one hundred I said I would post, I only posted ten. TEN?!?! Really?!?!

If I calculate the completeness of each of these failures, I only achieved 33.33% of Timeline; 10% of Self-Statements. If I was graded or reviewed on these, they would definitely be considered failing scores.

I can't change the pre-existing failures, but I can do some extra credit by finishing and achieving these two blog topics that I've meant to complete because I want to and have wanted to...but for some reason, had not gotten around to doing. We all know I don't sleep much, so I can't say that I don't have time. That's a bullshit excuse.

This is one of the big changes I'm in-process of better understanding the motivations behind, dealing, and thus confronting head-on this year. No matter how uncomfortable I am.

Not just with the blog, but in all facets of my life. Taking ownership back, following through, asking for help when I need it, knowing when I am simply unable to fulfill an expectation or need to put it on hold, and then communicating that to any other parties involved.

That said. My two blog failures are going to be successes this year.

Time to get back on the road again...

foucauldian

the disappearance of public executions therefore marks the decline of the spectacle.

we have no spectacles anymore in this culture.

everything is mediamediamedia.

i write this as i take advantage of my blog.

the sub-par facebook social media replacement.

yep.

i've been using the book of face for far too much anymore, so i think i'm going to go back to taking it to my blog. i know i won't get nearly as many comments, or any for that matter, but there is a comfort in knowing that i feel much more comfortable being honest and open in this forum as opposed to me questioning things i write. even if they are just teensy little nuggets of thoughts. i know i have or had like five regular readers of my blog before my extended silence - maybe i'll get those five readers back. maybe not. i don't really care either way at this point. there is just so much in my head that i need to get out, so i think i'm taking it back to this here blog and maybe my lj.

nuggets.

Blog Fail

Only 11 posts in 2011?

I'm going to have to rectify this STAT!

As I stated in my July 26 post, I have rid my life of much crazy. And I realize I haven't even shared much, if anything, of what has gone on in the life of Karoline over the past year or so. Perhaps that is a potential starting point in regards to my hopes for more frequent blog updates.

Updating may also be beneficial since I am coming off an awful head, neck, and spinal injury from derby, and frankly my brain hasn't been working/processing things in the same fashion which it is used to doing. It's definitely getting better, but I have to say my ditzy factor seems to not be getting better as quickly as the rest of my brain capabilities. Is that the right word I am looking for - capabilities? If it's not the correct word, see above. Head injury.

I *am* hoping that I'll be back on the track in 2012 as long as my impact scores allow me to engage in a full contact sport sooner, rather than later.

Peace out until the next time.

Self-Statements

I'm going to do my "facts" in installments of tens. These statements should probably not be called facts per se because while some may be facts, some will also be self-perceptions, and then I'm sure some will also end up being observations that others have made in regards to me over the years. I decided that I'll be calling these "facts," "self-statements." I can't think of what else to call them at this time. So until I think of something better or more interesting to call them, self-statements will do.

Here we go:

10 Self-Statements

01. I have four tattoos.
02. I think roadtrips are the BEST way to travel. Either alone or with someone who is good company.
03. I get red, hotface when I am nervous.
04. I do not excel at making small-talk with others.
05. I have a fiercely independent streak.
06. I read about eight books per month, which averages to about two books per week.
07. "Twin Peaks" is my favorite television show of all-time.
08. I crack my knuckles.
09. I have been told I have an annoyingly positive attitude. I have also been told I have an annoyingly cynical way of thinking at times. Combine the two concepts, and I figure I'm an optimistic pragmatist.
10. My father passed away before we ever got a chance to reconcile.

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.

Several years ago, when I was a regular livejournal post-a-saurus rex-er, I put together a list of 100 facts all about me, so people could learn more about me. The list was compiled for people who were both in my life in-person as well as people who were my intergalactic interwebs buddies. I had learned that people in both realms felt they didn't know a whole lot about me, so the list was compiled to provide a snapshot of sorts into various aspects of my existence. I think I'm going to do another revised/updated list here on my blogger for my readers, friends, family. Largely because I would like people to know more about me, and know that people don't necessarily know all that much about me...well, I guess the basics in regards to my persona. So yeah. Coming soon will be a 100facts post, providing some tidbits and insights into Karoline. Word.

I keep messing around with the templates on here. I'm not sure what I'm going to go with, but I am sure I will not be creating my own site from scratch anytime over the next year or three. I think the whole website launching thing is going to be thrown in my basket/list of goals that I would someday like to achieve, but are not of huge importance right now. I generally revisit those goals 1-2x a year just to see if any priorities have shifted, but as of right now - and for the past few years, and coming couple years - me launching my own website chock full of me putting some learned skills to use, is not a priority. In the meantime, maybe I'll just plug the domain name I own into this blog.

I've missed you, blog.

so much in the silence

I'm apparently going through a quiet phase. This has been going on for an undisclosed amount of time. As you can tell, it's been a fairly long phase, and I'm not sure how much longer it will go on.

I will say that it has been a difficult year in many aspects of my life. As time moves forward, I find I am gaining physical, mental, and emotional strength paired with a positive momentum, not to mention insight, education, creativity, understanding, compassion, and wisdom; Although I am not moving forward as quickly as time seems to be.

Maggie is amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be today, if not for my beautiful child. She is my heart. And for as long as I am around, I will strive to give her the best life possible within mine and what I consider to be my Greater Power.

I hope to begin posting more often on here. While facebook has its merits, it's not the same as my trusty blog.

2010

well hello there, 2010.

hopefully i will not neglect my blog as badly as i did in 2009.

hip, hip, hooray for hoping!

The wind is blowing...

has anyone seen any tumbleweeds around these parts?

I'm still alive!

Has it really been 3 months since my last post?! I guess life has certainly been a bit crazy and turned upside down and sideways, so posting has been on the bottom of priority list. Heck, I barely even check my Facebook anymore, if that tells you anything!

We are alive and well. Maggie is my little phenom.

I'll try to post something of more substance in the next couple weeks. Family and life takes priority of blogging for me right now. I know you all understand. :)

My New Favorite

Okay, Okay

Dear Blog,

I have not forgotten about you. And no, I do not want to write you a Dear John letter either. Just things have been kind of OOC since coming back from Argentina. Yes, I realize I have not even updated my book list for May yet, but please rest assured because I will be posting my book list from May AND June together in a couple weeks. So shake out those ants in your pants. Please and thank you.

So much has been going on with work and my personal life, but I am still here, trucking through each day, refining the art of deep breathing and trying to take life one day at a time. There have been some recent ups and downs, and I may have some pretty big news to post here soon, so hold still and get prepared. I have a feeling I am going to be in for the roller coaster ride of a lifetime.

Sincerely,
Karoline

Anti

I am anti-Facebook. Don't ask me why. I certainly couldn't give you a concrete answer. I've been contemplating my aversion to this particular social networking site to no avail. Is it because I am too lazy to set up an account? No. Is it because I don't want people to find me? No. If that were the case, I wouldn't blog under my real name. Is it because of the very few horror stories I've heard and read about regarding the site? Possibly. I'm thinking it is more along the lines of me fearing that if I do sign up, I will succumb to yet another time sucking vortex. These time sucking vortices are what I am trying to minimize in my life. So maybe I am subconsciously telling myself that I cannot sign up because the addictive aspect of Facebook would be far too great for me to "just say no" to in the reality of my life. And that would be bad.

I am sure there are more thoughts to come regarding this avoidant behavior I have regarding this site. You know, after I mull it over all ciderlike in my head. Thend.

Zapped

I am not sure what's worse: Having things to actually write about but no inspiration to compose, or, Having nothing to write about with oodles of inspiration. After writing it out, I think the worse of the two would be the former. Yes. The former. Yes. I am still going through my malaise. I blame it on the weather.

And while I hate placing blame on something as banal as the weather, I have to say that Mother Nature has certainly played a fair role in my mindset. I mean, it obviously hasn't been enough for her to dump multiple feet of snow, ice, sleet, and the goshdarned wintry mix down for months now, then decide to warm-up to say FIFTY degrees where all the snow is melting quite nicely, turning into slushy piles of Maybe Spring Really Is On Its Way. No, all this hasn't been enough because last night, you took it upon yourself to dump another four or five inches of snow on us?!?!

Talk about a kick in the nads. Mother Nature, you are STILL on notice.

-- Oh and don't let me forget to write about the Great Wal-Mart Spill of 2008 over the next few days. --

This Is AWESOME

Stopping Time At Grand Central Station

For the back story, go here.

The Millness

It looks as though I am recovering, albeit sloooowly recovering from the millness. Millness = mystery + illness for any uninformed readers. This word is yet another word made up by yours truly. One of my karolineisms. Use it, enjoy it.

I'll be back to regular postings next week.