foucauldian

the disappearance of public executions therefore marks the decline of the spectacle.

we have no spectacles anymore in this culture.

everything is mediamediamedia.

i write this as i take advantage of my blog.

the sub-par facebook social media replacement.

yep.

i think i'm in love.
unlike any other previously experienced.

the kind worthy of:
eddie money. lionel richie. otis redding. air supply. elvis presley. glen phillips.

love.
actually.
good movie.

i have zero ideas on how to proceed.

just go with it. yes?!


knowing my modus.

let's see how i mess this up.

Trying to quantify data when you have very little of said data is so frustrating, it makes me want to pull out my hair in big, giant clumps.

At least my apartment is of a reasonable temperature as opposed to how it's been the last few days with it being in the 80s AND super-humid outside. Unseasonably warm. And I have no A/C in this here popsicle joint. When I found my place back in January, A/C wasn't something I was entirely concerned with having. And I might still not be all that concerned moving forward if I am living in a place with decent insulation and NOT on the second floor of an older quad. Sheesh.

I'm also not entirely sure why I'm posting about A/C and how my place is lacking it, other than I'm still stumped on how to even begin talking/writing about all the changes, most positive, in my life. The things I have not really posted about on this blog. On the facebook. Or on my trusty old livejournal. Stumped, I tell you, STUMPED!

If I had stuck to my typical modus, I'd have it all or most of it written down somewhere, but my modus was anything but typical this year. And maybe that's another positive thing I have going for me.

For now, I'll just try not to pull my hair out from work frustration and focus on how nice it is outside today and think about how much fun Maggie and I are going to have over the next week.

Blog Fail

Only 11 posts in 2011?

I'm going to have to rectify this STAT!

As I stated in my July 26 post, I have rid my life of much crazy. And I realize I haven't even shared much, if anything, of what has gone on in the life of Karoline over the past year or so. Perhaps that is a potential starting point in regards to my hopes for more frequent blog updates.

Updating may also be beneficial since I am coming off an awful head, neck, and spinal injury from derby, and frankly my brain hasn't been working/processing things in the same fashion which it is used to doing. It's definitely getting better, but I have to say my ditzy factor seems to not be getting better as quickly as the rest of my brain capabilities. Is that the right word I am looking for - capabilities? If it's not the correct word, see above. Head injury.

I *am* hoping that I'll be back on the track in 2012 as long as my impact scores allow me to engage in a full contact sport sooner, rather than later.

Peace out until the next time.

it's been awhile. and by awhile i mean -- MONTHS!
sorry to neglect you, blog. you need some redesign.

--

trying to install new software for work. and NOTHING is working the way it's supposed to work.
quite frustrating.
especially when i am fielding a call in t-minus 19 minutes.

--

i have a new friend in eriePA!
i have a few new friends in eriePA!
maybe this whole putting out more positivity is actually working.

--

as soon as i get my work crap finished, i'm going to buy that banjo.

beaster time, beaster time.

there are days i think my life is nothing but beaster time.

--

been spread so thin lately, i'm having trouble maintaining.

--

years ago there was an everclear song about being everything to everyone.
while i've never thought myself a pleaser, i'm discovering the whole life upheaval shit uncloseted it...the dreaded pleasing tendency.
my inclination to please was probably always there, i was just unaware.
before.
now i am.
it disgusts me.

i hope i can change it instead of continuing to engage in it.

--

i'm having a hard time standing up for myself when all i see is swampland in myself.
every day.
i don't want my daughter to bear witness to my unraveling, sinking, whatever you call it.
i will power through it.

--

i always do.

so apparently i get more traffic the more often i post in here. go figure.

--

i've been open-eyed dreaming in ebony and plums.

performing the dead walk among the living.

rich in hue and dark in passion, there is unrest.

--

i need to unclog my brain.

it’s somewhere between sunrise and truth or dare games
played by children who run naked outside in snowstorms
when dawn knocks on the door
raging blood and cuts

paralyzation

you are a shock of red

burning bright in a sunrise looming within twilight
i see the blues in your flames

dusting your self off
trying to not scream
all the while your face
showcases your pain

you are me

i once was you.

So much going on in the life of Miss Karoline presently. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating on toxygen (toxic + oxygen = toxygen). As I continue moving forward with what I know I need to do for my own health as well as Maggie's, I keep discovering there is more and more work to be done. I'm digging through the layers of my earth, and beneath the surface there aren't just four layers, there are layers within the layers, and then the toxygen takes over and I am left breathless. I'm scared, yet excited. I'm overwhelmed, but I know I've been through worse things than this. A wise woman I know, my therapist, advised me to be a broken record to parties who refuse to listen. I think this is a smart move, yet in practice, it doesn't seem to be working; although, rationally I know it has only been less than a week, and sometimes messages aren't clear in such short timeframes. So I keep playing the broken record. Needle skipping on this one scratch. Repetition. Obnoxious in its unrelenting ways, but I know it's what I need to do to keep my sanity. Skip. Skip. Blip. Blip. Hopefully the message will register loud and clear over the next couple weeks, and I can then stop breaking records and start enjoying the music that I know is present in my future.

There is vehemence in the aphonic.

Sometimes the words that matter, carry gravity or lackthereof depending on how you look at it, elude me. I allow myself to get mired in weaving words and language when all I need to do is utilize my powers of brevity.

I've recently found that while my linguistic skills are still somewhat muddled, I am able to get down to the roots, my roots, through painting. I am no aficionado, prodigy, or expert, and others who might ever have a chance to see my painterly side, will probably think it's total sh*t, but it's cathartic to me and I find beauty in my lack of skill.

My lack of language. My lack of training. My lack of expertise. Understanding and embracing the awkward of something new again. I haven't taken to canvas in years. I never felt my skills were good enough. I never felt good enough.

The messiness, the abstraction, layers slathered on, then peeled away. Imprints that are there if you look closely and not too critically. I've never considered myself an artist or artistic for that matter, but over the course of this extended roadtrip, I've found that maybe I can release some of what I want to say and scream onto a canvas. The canvas doesn't judge. It just is.

Painting my heart has been a release. A damn good one at that.

MISSING

My oldest nephew's long-term partner and mother (I'll refer to her as H) to their 2 year-old baby boy was officially declared as missing this past week. She abandoned/deserted my nephew and their son shortly before Easter without saying why she was leaving or where she was going. She. Just. Left. No explanation. No nothing. No one seemed to take it seriously other than a handful of people including myself, and my nephew. Then a few weeks ago, H (or someone else acting as her) filed for joint custody of their child. She didn't show up to court. One of H's relatives heard from her on May 5, and H was in Baltimore, MD...that's pretty far away from northwestern, PA. No one has heard anything from her since then. And she certainly didn't show up to the courthouse last week for the custody hearing. Nothing.

There is a rumor circulating around, saying that H joined a fanatical cult - I am not going to name rumored cult. If she did join this cult, I wonder if she left on her own volition with all her faculties of mind and body, or was she heavily influenced/suggested to leave by one or some members, or was she taken by force. I don't know. I don't know if said rumor is true, nor do I know if it is untrue. Whichever way I look at it - independent desertion, kidnapping, cult, etc. - it's all horrible and wrong. I've been worried about H for several weeks now. I've also been worried about my nephew and their son. I've been trying to help my nephew by being available to him as well as helping with research on legal assistance, aid, and Pennsylvania's laws. I've offered to have him and his son to come stay with me here in Cleveland for awhile and have also offered to go to Penn to help them out. My nephew has declined this last offer of mine - at least so far. I hope he takes me up on helping him out some more, though. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now. What their son is going through.

And now H is officially declared as missing. It's about time.

This is some scary sh**. I'll keep on praying and meditating for my nephew, his son, and H. I hope she's okay. We are all worried and wish for her safe return. If you are of the praying and/or meditating sort, please add them to your thoughts and/or lists. We need all the help we can get.

so much in the silence

I'm apparently going through a quiet phase. This has been going on for an undisclosed amount of time. As you can tell, it's been a fairly long phase, and I'm not sure how much longer it will go on.

I will say that it has been a difficult year in many aspects of my life. As time moves forward, I find I am gaining physical, mental, and emotional strength paired with a positive momentum, not to mention insight, education, creativity, understanding, compassion, and wisdom; Although I am not moving forward as quickly as time seems to be.

Maggie is amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be today, if not for my beautiful child. She is my heart. And for as long as I am around, I will strive to give her the best life possible within mine and what I consider to be my Greater Power.

I hope to begin posting more often on here. While facebook has its merits, it's not the same as my trusty blog.

I'm still alive!

Has it really been 3 months since my last post?! I guess life has certainly been a bit crazy and turned upside down and sideways, so posting has been on the bottom of priority list. Heck, I barely even check my Facebook anymore, if that tells you anything!

We are alive and well. Maggie is my little phenom.

I'll try to post something of more substance in the next couple weeks. Family and life takes priority of blogging for me right now. I know you all understand. :)

Speed Racer

I got my first ever speeding ticket tonight. I was by myself, luckily, but I still feel like such an idiot. I'll probably be beating myself up about this for the next several weeks...if not months. *sigh*

Happy New Year!

Hello 2009! I hope this year is full of happiness, health, and success for all of you, friends!

NYE

It's that time again. The eve of the New Year...which means I will be reviewing my 2008 goals and putting together the official outline for my 2009 goals. I've been thinking quite a bit about my 2009 goals over the past few months, so I definitely have a solid foundation going into the whole process. Some of my goals in 2008 were achieved, some were not. I had some pretty challenging curveballs thrown in my direction this year, and I feel I definitely dealt with them successfully without detriment to my self, my relationships, my recovery, and my work.

Being able to successfully deal is an overall improvement from my past actions and behaviors. I would not have been able to deal had I not learned how to ask for help when I needed it through therapy and the amazing support system I have in place with family, friends, and doctors. I've always had some support beams in place, but I never really took advantage of them before, and through the completely life-changing experiences I went through and survived in 2007, I have learned I cannot do everything alone.

It took time for me to come to terms with opening myself up to others and actually being proactive in my recovery versus my typical modus of paying lip service and acting as though everything was a-okay. Life has been pretty darn amazing since I have opened myself up to really living, and I'm so happy I am still around. I want everyone who has been there for me to know how much they mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am at emotionally, spriritually, mentally, professionally, and even physically without you.

On to 2009!

Dummies

Two nights ago I dreamed I fell from the sky. Crashing down, knocking the breathwindlife out of me.

Last night I dreamed there were shooting stars falling from my bedroom ceiling.

And over the past week during my waking life, a Charlie McCarthy doll keeps popping up in my peripheral vision. A mocking smile plastered to his face. A few times a day. He's not really there. I haven't seen this doll since I was a child.

I don't know what, if anything, this all means.

But I do know these dummy visions need to go.

Wanderlust

I've been laid up with some sort of virus the past few days and haven't been able to leave the house. And while I typically don't mind being a shut-in to an extent, absolutely not being able to leave my house for fear of the sudden tossing of cookies, has made me a bit cagey and lusting for some wandering. I started feeling better last night and feel about the same today, so I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be up and ready to face the outside world.

After being shut inside all week, I decided that I really want to go on a short trip this weekend. It is a three-day weekend after all. But I wonder if I can persuade J into this...probably not, since he'll be leaving the country in about ten days. Blargh. I feel like this is the best time to do something fun and just for us since everything is going to drastically change in five short months. And my morning sickness (read: I've had the worst possible type of it you can imagine - twenty-four/seven, all day and night sickness) has abated to no more than a few times a week, so I feel now is the time for something fun. Nothing major like a flight west or anything, but maybe a roadtrip to Niagara Falls or somewhere in Canada.

We had talked about taking a trip about a month and a half ago, but ultimately decided against it because of home improvement projects and landscaping we could better spend the money on, but I've got some seriously itchy feet and I don't think my plans to visit Erie next weekend are going to quell the travelchitch. But who knows? If the weather here actually cooperates for once, maybe it will be a good productive landscaping weekend.

Just Call Me Karoline Fat Pants

May I speak openly?

One thing no one ever tells you when you are becoming full of baby is that you will wake up one day and your pants simply don't fit you anymore. This happened to me this past week. I popped. In a weird, I look like I've been eating too many Twinkies and Ho-hos kind of way. I have an interesting little, hard babybump belt below my bellybutton. I knew I was likely going to start showing in the fourth month, but I didn't know how suddenly my pants wouldn't fit right anymore. I've had a hard enough time adjusting to the new size of my chest - hello, two cup size increase already and they're supposedly going to get bigger! - and now, suddenly, I have to get used to being a completely new size by buying bigger pants for my new spare tire, wear yoga pants all the time, or take a deep breath and pony up and wear the very strange stretchtop pants.

This is new territory. I can't control my expanding belly and chest and not having control over it is kind of a frightening concept to me. And while I've been in recovery for well over a year and a half, I've been obsessing a bit about my size and other stuff that goes with the ever-familiar unhealthy territory that consumed over half my life. This is the territory I am proactively trying to steer relatively clear of presently and futurewise, and it is proving to be quite a challenge to steer clear of it while coping with the rapid body changes I am experiencing - some of which seem to happen overnight.

Sooo I thought I'd air my insanity out here, just to at least try to get my thoughts out in the open (a forum where my partner in crime doesn't look at me as though I am utterly ridiculous...and even if said partner is raising eyebrows at me right now, I, at least, can't see him); Because yes, I've been thinking about trying to control my size, weight, space, but then my wisemind kicks in and tells me that I know that I need to nourish myself not just for me anymore. It's a two party nutritionfest. And thus far I think I've been pretty great about everything considering this huge life-changing factor - and I hate to say it but I'm going to anyways - it probably helped that I lost weight the first two months and then balanced/plateaued for almost the past two months. How sick does that last statement sound? My doctor would probably have a heyday with that one.

Sometimes it's just hard to breathe when I start to think about the massive body changes I am going through and will be going through. I know as long as I keep myself in check, everything will work out okay. Keep my eyes on the prize - a happy, healthy baby. Some days are just better than others.

The Official News

Remember that life-altering thing I wrote about awhile back?

Here goes:

belly balm for my pregnant belly
Originally uploaded by thesynesthetic

I am pregnant. So guess what? I'm having a baby.

I've named it The Flash for now since we don't know what sex it is, and because of another reason which I am not going to delve into right now. But if you think reeeeeally hard about it, you might figure it out. J reeeally wanted to name it The Brain after we saw the ultrasound on Monday, but I had to put the kibosh on that one.

Where am I at right now? Well, I successfully made it through my first trimester, and am 13 weeks and a few days along. My due date is on Valentine's Day. The baby is normal and healthy, and the heart rate is good. I think that's about all I have for right now.

I will be finding out what the sex of the baby is on September 26. (Hopefully!)

While this was unexpected, I am terribly excited and hopeful.