Dummies

Two nights ago I dreamed I fell from the sky. Crashing down, knocking the breathwindlife out of me.

Last night I dreamed there were shooting stars falling from my bedroom ceiling.

And over the past week during my waking life, a Charlie McCarthy doll keeps popping up in my peripheral vision. A mocking smile plastered to his face. A few times a day. He's not really there. I haven't seen this doll since I was a child.

I don't know what, if anything, this all means.

But I do know these dummy visions need to go.

Zombie Cycle

For the past three months or so I've been having this recurring dream where zombies are traipsing through my backyard. Maybe traipse isn't the best word to describe it, but the zombies are moving in that aimless stumble that is so well depicted in Night of the Living Dead. The zombies aren't doing anything awful like trying to eat my brains or anything, they're just stumbling around walking into trees and just more or less looking like stupefied idiots.

In every dream, I see them while I am looking out the window in my bathroom. And I just stare. I don't move, I don't scream, just stare. I inflict the Gaze on these zombies and nothing else. So after having yet another dream of the zombies last night, I am really beginning to wonder why I keep dreaming of them. Seriously, I wish they would just go away.

S-Naked

Last night I had a dream that I was prancing around St. Louis, MO wearing nothing but a pair of the new Ivory Python Christian Louboutin heels.

This is quite atypical of me.

1. St. Louis?!
2. Louboutin heels?!
3. Naked?!

What does it mean?

Slight Reflection

Every year since I left Arizona, I've written a wellness goal list. This is not to be confused with stereotypical resolutions for the New Year such as: "I resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, etc.," but rather, a list of ways to improve my life and continue to strive to achieve a better balance of wellness in my mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional states. I call(ed) it my "well-list."

I would post previous years in here; However, largely due to the Great Karoline Meltdown of 2007, I deleted all of them off my hard drive. Awesome, right? No.

That seemingly small yet significant action I performed in June of last year, gives you an insight into my state of mind for a large part of last year - not to mention a few years previous to that.

I felt I wasn't worth having goals and dreams to achieve. I simply didn't want to be around anymore. And it surely wasn't worth having a list of five years of small successes and what I perceived to be huge failures for others to view and make commentary on regarding my life when I was busy checking out on everyone - including myself. So I purged those goals and dreams. Just like I intended to purge myself.

I again believe it is important for me to have goals and dreams to achieve, so I am starting over with my list this year. This is yet another small significant action on my part. By doing this, I am showing to myself and others that I am worth existing and having successes as well as failures, no matter how small or large.

Right now, I'm in the race of life for the long haul, and I am hoping to prove to myself and others that I am proactively changing for the better and trying to do the "next best thing" in all aspects of my life.

It was a long way down, and I'm trying to find my way back upUpup. I think the challenge is worth it.

Projects

Losing my most recent job has quite possibly been one of the best things that I have experienced since moving to Tennessee. What kind of lunacy is this?! How could losing one's job be a positive?

Well, with every negative there is a positive, and while I was hyperfocusing on the negative over the past week, I had a flash of positivity yesterday. And while it was a flash, it morphed into a genuine moment of brilliance. Thank goodness that tempest amidst the storm appeared. So what did this moment lead to, you might wonder...well, it led to me getting off my butt, but also something else.

Now I have a project. I am not going to share exactly what it is, but it has to do with writing and documentation and it has not yet been produced by anyone else. I researched it, and there is definitely a market for what I am pursuing.

Even though I know I will face a lot of rejection in this endeavor, when it does come to fruition, I will be using/saving most of the proceeds to start-up the non-profit I've been stewing on for years and years. And that will be fantastic. Just the prospect of working on one smaller project to help achieve a larger project for the greater good, and actually doing it, is fantastic.

I am terribly excited about this, and am curious as to how long it will take. I am putting my proposal together and once that is finished, I can shop it around and hopefully someone will bite. If not, I will self-fund and self-produce.

Proactivity v. Stagnation. Action v. Inaction. Positive v. Negative. I have not much time for any of the latter parts of the aforementioned various battles I have with myself and the people with whom I come into contact on a fairly regular basis.

I feel a creative rebirth. This is good.

Not a Legend In My Mind

This morning I had a dream that you were magically in Knoxville.

Emerging from the fog and rain, sauntering in my direction. I gave you the once over and decided you simply disgusted me with your mask of pseudo-sincerity while wearing a "muscle" shirt with the sleeves and neck cut out of the material.

I spit in your face.

It was sweet vindication.