following through

Going back and reading through the past four or five years of having this here blogger, I realize I MASSIVELY FAILED at more than one of the blog-posting goals I had set up for myself. No, I'm not talking about the building of my own website because, frankly, that's definitely a priority that shifted, changed, and is no longer of importance to me. And I admitted it. In black. In white. On here.

So now here I am, waiting for the green light to leave CleveOH to head back to EriePA, thinking about some of my smaller failures over the past four-five years. Some of my more easily rectifiable failures. Which led me to think about how the power is in my hands - especially when it comes to my writing space. And my life space. And my workspace. And my brainspace.

I am embarrassed with myself because I did not follow through on two of the writing/blogging goals I had thought would be relatively facile for me get done. I am embarrassed because I cannot stand it when people in my life say they are going to follow through on something, then don't. I am well-known for my follow-through, but if I'm being honest with myself here, and of course you, my readers, I've also had my fair share of flaking out on things over the past years.

In the past, if I was unable to follow through with something, I usually did not have a problem accepting that sometimes I was unable to fulfill a commitment and let the person depending on me know that I was unable to fulfill said expectation. Then directing dependent person to other resources that could better fulfill their needs. It was also not as difficult for me (as it obviously has been over the past few years) to admit that I needed an extension or simply needed help in fulfilling expectations and following through on what I said I would do.

I'm trying to rebuild, reconstruct, patch up, whatever you want to call it - this characteristic of my self that I used to hold in such high regard because it was one of my best qualities, and I still hold it in high regard - even though I see I dropped the ball quite a bit over the past few years.

And while I'm disappointed with my self for doing that, I can't go back and change it per se, I can continue to improve and ideally prove through consistent demonstration, not only for others, but also for myself, that I am able to follow through, admit my missteps, accept responsibility, ask for help, change the situation(s), etc.

I am now, out in the open forum of my blog, admitting and accepting responsibility for this lesser quality I allowed to rear its ugly head in my life for a few years, and in response, have been proactively working on said lesser quality for several months now.

I still make missteps in my life, A LOT of them, but I learn from them, and change them, or work to change them - instead of saying it's life circumstance or that I have no control or any other number of excuses I know I've made - because I do have control over my choices and decisions.

This post was meant to more or less keep to my blog failures, but we all know it's also correlated to my real life.

Enter building blocks.

I'm going to redirect this post back to aforementioned blog failures. My two big blog FAILS over the past four-five years are: 1. Timeline - I still have two decades to finish posting.; 2. Self-Statements - Of the one hundred I said I would post, I only posted ten. TEN?!?! Really?!?!

If I calculate the completeness of each of these failures, I only achieved 33.33% of Timeline; 10% of Self-Statements. If I was graded or reviewed on these, they would definitely be considered failing scores.

I can't change the pre-existing failures, but I can do some extra credit by finishing and achieving these two blog topics that I've meant to complete because I want to and have wanted to...but for some reason, had not gotten around to doing. We all know I don't sleep much, so I can't say that I don't have time. That's a bullshit excuse.

This is one of the big changes I'm in-process of better understanding the motivations behind, dealing, and thus confronting head-on this year. No matter how uncomfortable I am.

Not just with the blog, but in all facets of my life. Taking ownership back, following through, asking for help when I need it, knowing when I am simply unable to fulfill an expectation or need to put it on hold, and then communicating that to any other parties involved.

That said. My two blog failures are going to be successes this year.

Time to get back on the road again...

as of the past several weeks, there's been a major jack white music phase going on in my brain. and when i say "major," i mean, "MAJOR."

perhaps due to solar flares, i'm finding my self listening to more mamas & papas.

trying to understand correlation twixt the two. if any.

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so i have a new mac. it's a powerbook. and it's silver.

i miss my old mac.

its cracked white shell.

my bruce springsteen sticker holding it together.

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i miss a lot of things.

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i wish a lot of things.

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i change a lot of things.

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and as far as wishes go.

i'm taking them back.

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wishes get you nowhere.

it's all about action.

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proaction.

NYE

It's that time again. The eve of the New Year...which means I will be reviewing my 2008 goals and putting together the official outline for my 2009 goals. I've been thinking quite a bit about my 2009 goals over the past few months, so I definitely have a solid foundation going into the whole process. Some of my goals in 2008 were achieved, some were not. I had some pretty challenging curveballs thrown in my direction this year, and I feel I definitely dealt with them successfully without detriment to my self, my relationships, my recovery, and my work.

Being able to successfully deal is an overall improvement from my past actions and behaviors. I would not have been able to deal had I not learned how to ask for help when I needed it through therapy and the amazing support system I have in place with family, friends, and doctors. I've always had some support beams in place, but I never really took advantage of them before, and through the completely life-changing experiences I went through and survived in 2007, I have learned I cannot do everything alone.

It took time for me to come to terms with opening myself up to others and actually being proactive in my recovery versus my typical modus of paying lip service and acting as though everything was a-okay. Life has been pretty darn amazing since I have opened myself up to really living, and I'm so happy I am still around. I want everyone who has been there for me to know how much they mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am at emotionally, spriritually, mentally, professionally, and even physically without you.

On to 2009!

I Should Set Up Camp At The Home Depot

This weekend marked the beginning of major interior house changes J and I will be making over the next year plus. Since it has been decided we will be staying in Cleveland for at least the next 4-5 years (unless a South America move for all of us becomes a reality), we are finally going to invest the buckage into the house to modernize, increase longer-term value, and generally make it more of our own vs. investing minimal money to make minor changes in order to sell the house. I will be taking pictures along the way.

The master list of home improvement projects includes five relatively large undertakings:

1. (Re)finish the half-finished basement bonus room. Make functional for home office and family/play room
2. Baby Room. Painting, furniture, organization.
3. Living room. Reposition room for traffic flow, install new lighting, paint, move and reinstall home theatre system. We need a new couch since our current one is way too large for the space, but I know the new couch dream won't likely happen for at least a year.
4. Demo and gutting of the upstairs. Build a master suite and one additional upstairs bedroom vs. the two strangely small walk-in closet sized "bedrooms" and master.
5. Demo of the kitchen. Install a modern, functional kitchen space.

This weekend we purchased a new flat screen television and started cleaning out the bonus room in the basement. J and our friend Chris moved the old 60 inch projection tv that was in the living room down to the basement since I'm unable to do heavy lifting, then unloaded the new tv, and put it together in a temporary, makeshift set-up since J and I will be getting the living room completed within the next month.

We have a pretty hefty undertaking ahead of us, but I'm thrilled to be doing it. I suppose since finding out I was pregnant, I've become more mindful of the home I want for my family instead of my typical modus operandi: the highly nomadic, bachelor(ette)-pad-minded Karoline. Does that make sense? And while Cleveland, OH isn't my ideal location to live, I do want a livable, comforting, secure, warm environment for the baby.

Remember These?

Before Dairy Queen put Oreos in their Blizzards, there were these:


You may remember them better by an up-close shot:


The cookies shown above also made special appearances in your kindergarten class at snacktime alongside Fudge Stripe cookies, Grasshopper cookies, and Chocolate Covered Grahams. Oh yeah, and a pint of Meadow Brook milk.

Ice, Ice Baby - To Go, To Go...

Yes, I know I have those lyrics written incorrectly. No, I do not care. I used to think that was how the Vanilla Ice classic went. You know, back in the day of L.A. Gear sneakers, rugby shirts courtesy of the Gap, ESPRIT jeans, and slouchy socks. And don't forget the hair. I was never super-tease-a-licious like one of my five older sisters used to tease the mane. One year, this particular sister's hair was actually cut off in her school portrait because the photographer couldn't fit it all in the frame, but I certainly cannot say I NEVER fell victim to the pooftease. HAHAHAHA. Classic.

Much to my chagrin, it has been ice-storming up here. Grrrreat. I don't miss this weather. Nope, not at all. I am supposed to be leaving the northeast part of the country on Sunday or Monday. Hopefully the weather decides to shape itself up and stop being a complete buttface. There is not much else worse than being stranded somewhere when all you want to do is leave. Times like these really tend to clearly display my idiosyncratic nomadic needs and ways.

Angst and Catharsis

Oh man. Do not read old, angsty CRAP you wrote as a teenager at 145AM on a school night while you are alone in a room with nothing but your computer, books, and itunes to keep you company. Seriously. This leads to serious cases of the hotface, laughter, tears, shifty eyes, and knotted stomachs. Do not venture into unchartered territory alone. Better to do it in a public forum.

I wish I could attend a Cringe night in NYC right now...or at least go on tour so I could have it more accessible. I think reading this crap out loud to total strangers would be quite cathartic.

And you know, it's all about me. Haha. Seriously.

Tunnels

On my journey up from KnoxvilleTN to EriePA on Monday, I drove through CincinnatiOH. While coasting along Highway 71 North, you encounter a fairly long tunnel. I held my breath through it. Just like I used to do when I was a kid and we were on family trips to visit one of my sisters in NashvilleTN. Funny thing, though. The tunnel is not nearly as long as I remember it to be. Or maybe as I've grown up, my perceptions of things that I once held as so much larger than life and monumental in my mind have diminished.

When I was a child, I remember barely being able to hold my breath the entire length of the tunnel. Twenty years later I hold my breath like a pro. Has the passing of time and maniacal exercise and smoking the P-Funks helped expand my lungs? Do I have a larger capacity to hold my hot air inside of me?

Just a thought on a random Saturday evening.