MISSING

My oldest nephew's long-term partner and mother (I'll refer to her as H) to their 2 year-old baby boy was officially declared as missing this past week. She abandoned/deserted my nephew and their son shortly before Easter without saying why she was leaving or where she was going. She. Just. Left. No explanation. No nothing. No one seemed to take it seriously other than a handful of people including myself, and my nephew. Then a few weeks ago, H (or someone else acting as her) filed for joint custody of their child. She didn't show up to court. One of H's relatives heard from her on May 5, and H was in Baltimore, MD...that's pretty far away from northwestern, PA. No one has heard anything from her since then. And she certainly didn't show up to the courthouse last week for the custody hearing. Nothing.

There is a rumor circulating around, saying that H joined a fanatical cult - I am not going to name rumored cult. If she did join this cult, I wonder if she left on her own volition with all her faculties of mind and body, or was she heavily influenced/suggested to leave by one or some members, or was she taken by force. I don't know. I don't know if said rumor is true, nor do I know if it is untrue. Whichever way I look at it - independent desertion, kidnapping, cult, etc. - it's all horrible and wrong. I've been worried about H for several weeks now. I've also been worried about my nephew and their son. I've been trying to help my nephew by being available to him as well as helping with research on legal assistance, aid, and Pennsylvania's laws. I've offered to have him and his son to come stay with me here in Cleveland for awhile and have also offered to go to Penn to help them out. My nephew has declined this last offer of mine - at least so far. I hope he takes me up on helping him out some more, though. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now. What their son is going through.

And now H is officially declared as missing. It's about time.

This is some scary sh**. I'll keep on praying and meditating for my nephew, his son, and H. I hope she's okay. We are all worried and wish for her safe return. If you are of the praying and/or meditating sort, please add them to your thoughts and/or lists. We need all the help we can get.

so much in the silence

I'm apparently going through a quiet phase. This has been going on for an undisclosed amount of time. As you can tell, it's been a fairly long phase, and I'm not sure how much longer it will go on.

I will say that it has been a difficult year in many aspects of my life. As time moves forward, I find I am gaining physical, mental, and emotional strength paired with a positive momentum, not to mention insight, education, creativity, understanding, compassion, and wisdom; Although I am not moving forward as quickly as time seems to be.

Maggie is amazing. I honestly don't know where I would be today, if not for my beautiful child. She is my heart. And for as long as I am around, I will strive to give her the best life possible within mine and what I consider to be my Greater Power.

I hope to begin posting more often on here. While facebook has its merits, it's not the same as my trusty blog.

NYE

It's that time again. The eve of the New Year...which means I will be reviewing my 2008 goals and putting together the official outline for my 2009 goals. I've been thinking quite a bit about my 2009 goals over the past few months, so I definitely have a solid foundation going into the whole process. Some of my goals in 2008 were achieved, some were not. I had some pretty challenging curveballs thrown in my direction this year, and I feel I definitely dealt with them successfully without detriment to my self, my relationships, my recovery, and my work.

Being able to successfully deal is an overall improvement from my past actions and behaviors. I would not have been able to deal had I not learned how to ask for help when I needed it through therapy and the amazing support system I have in place with family, friends, and doctors. I've always had some support beams in place, but I never really took advantage of them before, and through the completely life-changing experiences I went through and survived in 2007, I have learned I cannot do everything alone.

It took time for me to come to terms with opening myself up to others and actually being proactive in my recovery versus my typical modus of paying lip service and acting as though everything was a-okay. Life has been pretty darn amazing since I have opened myself up to really living, and I'm so happy I am still around. I want everyone who has been there for me to know how much they mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am at emotionally, spriritually, mentally, professionally, and even physically without you.

On to 2009!

Anti

I am anti-Facebook. Don't ask me why. I certainly couldn't give you a concrete answer. I've been contemplating my aversion to this particular social networking site to no avail. Is it because I am too lazy to set up an account? No. Is it because I don't want people to find me? No. If that were the case, I wouldn't blog under my real name. Is it because of the very few horror stories I've heard and read about regarding the site? Possibly. I'm thinking it is more along the lines of me fearing that if I do sign up, I will succumb to yet another time sucking vortex. These time sucking vortices are what I am trying to minimize in my life. So maybe I am subconsciously telling myself that I cannot sign up because the addictive aspect of Facebook would be far too great for me to "just say no" to in the reality of my life. And that would be bad.

I am sure there are more thoughts to come regarding this avoidant behavior I have regarding this site. You know, after I mull it over all ciderlike in my head. Thend.

I wonder...

Would it be weird if I brought my little pink Fuji to the Bally's tomorrow and started surreptitiously snapping pictures of the random people I have become enthralled with over the past two weeks post-beginning of Operation GymRat?

There are definitely a few fellow gymrats who deserve to have themselves forever immortalized in my blog. Ehhh, I'll have to sleep on this.

Getting out of bed today was a bad choice.

Today I was going to write the second installment of my timeline and I am not feeling inspired, so I probably should not. I am the epitome of cranknasty right now. I can't seem to stop the bum rush either. The cranks just won't go away no matter how much I meditate, will it, try to think positively, etc. Sooooo, I'll see where the rest of the day takes me.

Brief snapshot of my day thus far: It started off badly with me rolling out of bed at 752AM when I had a 900AM interview. In Maryville. A forty minute drive from my apartment if there is no traffic. Forty. Minute. Drive. And no traffic?! Ha! NIIICE, right? No.

Then my hair wouldn't do anything short of a Spock-esque 'do. Yes, from Star Trek. No, I have not yet taken a picture, but will try to do so before the product loses its hold. Haha. This is also nice, right? No.

I get to the interview on-time, even seven or eight minutes early...thank you MINI. But I am cranky without appropriate caffeine consumption and bomb out when responding to the questions asked of me. I just know it. My answers to the questions were horrible. Horrible. Had I woken up on-time and consumed at least two 20 ounce bottles of Diet Coke, I would have been ok. But no. I didn't even have 10 ounces of Diet Coke. Anyways, you know how you just know things sometimes, I just know it. And knew it. Even if the hiring manager liked me, the VP of HR certainly didn't as he called me by a different name as I was leaving. Triple NIIIIICE, right? No.

I leave the interview, get in my car. Only to find the service engine light ignited yet again on the domey thing above my steering wheel. This is just what a recently full-time unemployed chica known as me needs right now. Sure, I have freelance, but bill cycle and payout times aren't always consistent. AWESOME. No.

Then I get home. Something smells unsavory in my apartment. What do I do? Start taking stuff out of my derby bag only to find a rotten banana in one of the "secret" pockets in my bag. It has got to be at least two weeks old because I only put food in my bag on bout dates. October 27 was our last bout. And why did I not smell it whilst up north? Because the temperature ranges from coldest to coldestest up there. So the hey nanner nanner must have frozen in my car. Frozen = No Smell. Gross. Yes. AWESOME. No.

I then get so frustrated about the banana and the interview that I decide I should go to the library to be more productive in my job search. Need to get the hell out of my apartment, you know? So I pack up my laptop bag, grab a hat and sweatshirt. I go outside and it is freaking monsooning. I decide to forge ahead. Yeah. The freeways are flooded and everyone is driving horribly and I swear I hydroplaned a few times. I swear. I thought I was going to die. FANTASTIC. No.

Arrive at the library only to find that I forgot my power c(h)ord at home. Yes, it is symphonic. Anyway...I thought I packed it. I thought about turning around and going back out to get it, but then thought I didn't want to die today, so I stayed. EXCELLENT. No.

And now I am here writing this blog with 35% of my battery power left and there are too many high school kids milling around having social hour and being all upspeaky and teenagery. And I want to spit poisonous darts at them just to get them to shut up already...didn't they learn the library is for quiet time? Go to a private room or go somewhere else if you are going to talk so LOUDLY.

And then on top of it all, there is this kid sitting right behind me who breathes really heavily. Like he has a deviated septum on crack. And if you know me well, you know that I think the heavy breathing quality is one of the most abhorred afflictions I think someone could possess. I want to spit darts at all heavy breathers, too. Especially this one. OMG.

Thus far, today is something I could conceive as being a hell. My hell. Today. Right now. It better get better. Or else. Something. But I don't quite know what that something is.

Funny, I haven't asked for patience lately, but it seems I am getting hella tested.

What is up with that?