Monday, October 29, 2007


I look like a cancer patient. Don't ask and I won't tell.

On another note, I am headed up north. Leaving shortly. Just have to put everything in my suitcase, pay my rent, get some bills in the mail, and to the freeway...

Think positively for me. I could use it right now.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I need to do my posts for numbers twenty-five and twenty-six. Hopefully I will get to it tonight...

Sadly, it hasn't been paramount to me as I have just discovered the joys of television show watching online (not youtubing) and have been kept up late at night this week catching up on House and Criminal Minds. I am a slacker. Yes.

Also, I am stressed beyond belief of not having a full-time job. I do think I secured some consult/freelance business today, so maybe I'll have December's rent paid.

I really don't want to be forced to move back north. I am not ready to face that. I do not know if I will ever be ready to face that in the next year. Hell, I've already planned on Thanksgiving time down here or in Kentucky caving by myself.

Which leads me to wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I not so much want to see my family or few friends I have up north? Why do I not plan on spending holidays down here with the few friends I have made here instead? Why am I compelled to go and do some solitary activity/adventure?

Probably because I know it will balance me. Balance me in ways that I need, otherwise I am not whole. Not me.

Many people don't understand this component of my personality. Sometimes I don't even understand it, but I know it works. Most of the time. Sometimes I do want companionship and all that jazz, but all relationships, be it platonic or romantic or both, are two way streets and I often find that many people don't understand that.

I know when I lack. I know when you lack.

I also know when you lie to me and tell me you are my friend, when in reality, you are not. If people are really your friends, they do put forth the energy and efforts and don't throw hissy fits when things don't go their way or the way that they projected them to go and then cut you out of their lives when things don't go as planned. So to me, just because I might be off the radar for a few days, does not mean that I am not your friend or that something is up or whatever it is people think.

If you are my real friend, you understand and respect my need to get away and I will speak with you about my experience(s) when I am back inasmuch as I would you; But if you REALLY need me, I will emerge from my solitude time to help you. If you actually need me and aren't just being unsure of your placement in the friendship which goes both ways, you know? And just because I might go off the radar, is that real justification for deciding to stop being my friend? I don't think so.

I know I don't do that to people I actually care about, and you see, that has happened to me recently down here in Knoxville. Been on the receiving end of passive-aggressive, overly needy friendships where people freak out if you aren't as available to them as they think you should be. Stress on the "think you should be."

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly juvenile grown adults can be.

On the other hand, I am glad to have learned things like this in a shorter timeframe than I have in the past. This is good. From pain, I grow. From pain, I grew.


And here I thought I had no time to write...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What are you up to this weekend?

This weekend I will be participating in a sweat. I've been anticipating this for awhile.

I know I am ready for this in the spiritual-sense, but the physical sense, we shall see...curious to see how this goes.

For your reading pleasure:
gonna make you sweat.

Select Plath Quotes

-- And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.

-- Kiss me and you will see how important I am.

-- I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again.

-- Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call.

-- I talk to God but the sky is empty.

-- Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.

-- I do not want a plain box, I want a sarcophagus
With tigery stripes, and a face on it
Round as the moon, to stare up.
I want to be looking at them when they come
Picking among the dumb minerals, the roots.
I see them already-the pale, star-distance faces.
Now they are nothing, they are not even babies.
I imagine them without fathers or mothers, like the first gods.
They will wonder if I was important.

-- I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want.

-- I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, 'This is what it is to be happy.'

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Losing my most recent job has quite possibly been one of the best things that I have experienced since moving to Tennessee. What kind of lunacy is this?! How could losing one's job be a positive?

Well, with every negative there is a positive, and while I was hyperfocusing on the negative over the past week, I had a flash of positivity yesterday. And while it was a flash, it morphed into a genuine moment of brilliance. Thank goodness that tempest amidst the storm appeared. So what did this moment lead to, you might wonder...well, it led to me getting off my butt, but also something else.

Now I have a project. I am not going to share exactly what it is, but it has to do with writing and documentation and it has not yet been produced by anyone else. I researched it, and there is definitely a market for what I am pursuing.

Even though I know I will face a lot of rejection in this endeavor, when it does come to fruition, I will be using/saving most of the proceeds to start-up the non-profit I've been stewing on for years and years. And that will be fantastic. Just the prospect of working on one smaller project to help achieve a larger project for the greater good, and actually doing it, is fantastic.

I am terribly excited about this, and am curious as to how long it will take. I am putting my proposal together and once that is finished, I can shop it around and hopefully someone will bite. If not, I will self-fund and self-produce.

Proactivity v. Stagnation. Action v. Inaction. Positive v. Negative. I have not much time for any of the latter parts of the aforementioned various battles I have with myself and the people with whom I come into contact on a fairly regular basis.

I feel a creative rebirth. This is good.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Note to Emotion-Mind:

Be mindful of what you say. Lately you speak and verbalize more than you are used to doing and it is starting to making you feel stupid and idiotic. As your Rational-Mind, it is my duty to remind you that the emotionlotion you often experience is not often to the same extent as that of others. You proceed full throttle in everything you do, and that can be challenging for others to understand.

So maybe you should shut your mouth.

And not that speaking is a negative thing, but sometimes your feelings aren't what matter and people often don't really care. And it is unwise to fool yourself or try to convince yourself otherwise. And while sharing is enlightening to you (and possibly others), bear in mind that when speaking about your feelings, it opens you up to a whole new world where you may not feel comfortably contained. And while I know you crave new experiences and changes and loves and losses, and you are comfortable with the aforementioned and more, you are not the most comfortable with speaking.

So again, maybe you should shut your mouth.

As your logical side, I am stepping in to forewarn you. You have made some huge strides forward and positive life changes over the past several months, and I don't want to see you fall on your ass and break it beyond repair.

With Your Best Interests in Mind,

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


While I was out adventuring along I-40W today, it was all I could do to contain my intense need to goGOgo. "Go" in the sense of flight. That whole fight or flight concept. You see, I-40W takes me to I-30W, which also takes me to I-20W, and then finally to I-10W.

What is off of I-10W? Tucson, Arizona. I miss the desert, but moreso, I miss my non-sexual soulmate - my punks. I haven't spoken or written to him in quite awhile. And I know that the next time we do talk, it will be like we never stopped talking. Gosh, it hasn't even been a month, but it feels like an eternity.

I miss the superconnection. The Level.

When we are together we don't even have to talk to know what the other is thinking. It's as though as each brain synapse (mis)fires, we read the language before it is ever verbalized or even displayed in body language.

This is the Level.

Not many friends could get through some of the crazy stuff we've been through together unscathed, but somehow we have both managed to forge ahead and emerge relatively unscathed and a stronger force to be reckoned with...I don't recommend you test us, though. You probably couldn't handle it.

I know I will never have another friend like him and I am willing to bet he won't either. Over ten years of friendship, and I cannot imagine my life without some semblance of his presence in it.

Punks, you are my heart.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Not a Legend In My Mind

This morning I had a dream that you were magically in Knoxville.

Emerging from the fog and rain, sauntering in my direction. I gave you the once over and decided you simply disgusted me with your mask of pseudo-sincerity while wearing a "muscle" shirt with the sleeves and neck cut out of the material.

I spit in your face.

It was sweet vindication.

New York.

You write to me and your language intrigues me. You write to me and I feed off of what you choose to nourish my brain with on any particular day.

This dance that we perform every time we interact. Online. Telephonically. In-person. The beauty in the what is not being said, perplexes, humors, chafes me.

New York is always on my mind.

Friday, October 5, 2007

work blargh

not working sucks. thend.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Lately eating has lost its luster to me. This worries me a bit. For the past while, I eat because I know my body needs the fuel, not because I have hunger cues and not because I enjoy it. Because I don't.

At least not lately. It's like open mouth, insert food - because I have to do it. If I don't, I won't have the energy I need and my body won't function the way I need it to function. Sometimes I hateHATEhate this aspect of my being.
On my way home from derby practice last night I realized I was running uber low on my smokie treats, so I of course stopped at a gas station to make the purchase that kills me one inhale at a time. You know what happened? I am going to tell you.

I was almost NOT sold ciggies because I apparently look like I am not eighteen years old. Okay people, I will be thirty years old in two months plus three days. Thirty. And I somehow don't look eighteen.

The older guy behind the counter checked my ID, then looked at me, checked my ID, looked at me. You know, gave me the twice over. Then he had his co-worker examine it...the older woman of doom. She gave me the thrice over while I started pulling out credit cards or ANYTHING to prove I was over the age of eighteen. The woman of doom finally said that it "looked like a valid license" and they could sell them to me.

So then me and my social retardededom offered to show them my roots so they could see my greys and natural color, but the lady snapped at me and said a LADY NEVER SHOWS HER ROOTS. Okay there day-glo orange woman. Whatevs. Just give me my smokes.

Was this a sign I should stop smoking? Probably. Am I going to adhere to the sign at this time? No, I am not. I shall enjoy my p-funk all-stars for the time being. I am smoking a lot less than I used to and am down to about one point five to two packs a week. And that, my friends, is progress. Perfection doesn't happen overnight.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


I hear you're driving someone else's car now
She said you came and took your stuff away
All the poetry and the trunk kept you kept your life in,
I knew that it would come to that someday...

Tonight is the blast from the past night. The night where I get to listen to everything from Rob Base to The Pixies to The Beatles to Concrete Blonde to Big Punisher The Police to Tones on Tail.

Right now I am listening to Concrete Blonde and thinking about how well the lyrics are written. I think I need to vacation in the brainchild of the lyrics. The song, "Caroline," although spelled differently from mine (Karoline), I see such a correlation in colors; Even though I know the lyrics weren't written for me, there is that something about it where I can see myself starring in the movie of my life.

No, not as a stripper. Those of you who may be familiar with the video. But rather, with how I have been throughout my life. Where I might be to this day. Where, in my brain, I go.


This is interesting:
shut up, just shut up, shut up.

Monday, October 1, 2007

scratch it

i am deleting my vox. keeping blogger. building my own site - finally! but until i get it all figured out, i will be using this as my primary blogosaurus rex largely due to national blog posting month coming up and another project i want to get involved yeah. that's all i have to say about it right now. but we all know i will have more to say later...