i think i'm going to start calling ohio oh-no-hi-oh again times infinity.

So much going on in the life of Miss Karoline presently. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating on toxygen (toxic + oxygen = toxygen). As I continue moving forward with what I know I need to do for my own health as well as Maggie's, I keep discovering there is more and more work to be done. I'm digging through the layers of my earth, and beneath the surface there aren't just four layers, there are layers within the layers, and then the toxygen takes over and I am left breathless. I'm scared, yet excited. I'm overwhelmed, but I know I've been through worse things than this. A wise woman I know, my therapist, advised me to be a broken record to parties who refuse to listen. I think this is a smart move, yet in practice, it doesn't seem to be working; although, rationally I know it has only been less than a week, and sometimes messages aren't clear in such short timeframes. So I keep playing the broken record. Needle skipping on this one scratch. Repetition. Obnoxious in its unrelenting ways, but I know it's what I need to do to keep my sanity. Skip. Skip. Blip. Blip. Hopefully the message will register loud and clear over the next couple weeks, and I can then stop breaking records and start enjoying the music that I know is present in my future.

road trip is going well. haven't had a camera other than my phone, so i don't have many pictures, but i do have some to post.

it was soSOso good to see some of my favorite people in knoxville. then maggie and i headed to alabama to visit my oldest sister, barbara. we had such a great time there, neither one of us wanted to leave. i discovered that maggie truly is a waterbaby. not just bathtime. pooltime, too. we would have gone to the beaches there, but with the oil spill, that was a big fat no since the beaches were shut down. not so awesome. now we're in fayetteville, nc, visiting one of my best people, meka. while i may have not known her for very long before she left cleveland, we had a connection and what i would define as being an authentic friendship. our visit to her has only solidified my thoughts on our friendship and how blessed i am to have her in my life. heck, this whole trip thus far has clearly shown me how blessed i am to have such awesome people in my life who truly care about and respect me as much as i do them. they are all in my heart. and they are all in my family. tomorrow (well, later today) we are headed up to raleigh to visit dayna for the day before she jets off on her FREE TRIP to the cayman's until sunday. then we will get more dayna time on monday and tuesday before i meet john in virginia to do a maggie tradeoff so he can have some 1x1 time with our precious babe. i'll miss her so much, but i will admit i am looking forward to a little bit of downtime. she's a very busy baby, and a little break won't hurt me or her. this journey she and i have taken has been such a godsend. i have no other words.

i'll be checking in again soon. :)

MISSING

My oldest nephew's long-term partner and mother (I'll refer to her as H) to their 2 year-old baby boy was officially declared as missing this past week. She abandoned/deserted my nephew and their son shortly before Easter without saying why she was leaving or where she was going. She. Just. Left. No explanation. No nothing. No one seemed to take it seriously other than a handful of people including myself, and my nephew. Then a few weeks ago, H (or someone else acting as her) filed for joint custody of their child. She didn't show up to court. One of H's relatives heard from her on May 5, and H was in Baltimore, MD...that's pretty far away from northwestern, PA. No one has heard anything from her since then. And she certainly didn't show up to the courthouse last week for the custody hearing. Nothing.

There is a rumor circulating around, saying that H joined a fanatical cult - I am not going to name rumored cult. If she did join this cult, I wonder if she left on her own volition with all her faculties of mind and body, or was she heavily influenced/suggested to leave by one or some members, or was she taken by force. I don't know. I don't know if said rumor is true, nor do I know if it is untrue. Whichever way I look at it - independent desertion, kidnapping, cult, etc. - it's all horrible and wrong. I've been worried about H for several weeks now. I've also been worried about my nephew and their son. I've been trying to help my nephew by being available to him as well as helping with research on legal assistance, aid, and Pennsylvania's laws. I've offered to have him and his son to come stay with me here in Cleveland for awhile and have also offered to go to Penn to help them out. My nephew has declined this last offer of mine - at least so far. I hope he takes me up on helping him out some more, though. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now. What their son is going through.

And now H is officially declared as missing. It's about time.

This is some scary sh**. I'll keep on praying and meditating for my nephew, his son, and H. I hope she's okay. We are all worried and wish for her safe return. If you are of the praying and/or meditating sort, please add them to your thoughts and/or lists. We need all the help we can get.

I'm still alive!

Has it really been 3 months since my last post?! I guess life has certainly been a bit crazy and turned upside down and sideways, so posting has been on the bottom of priority list. Heck, I barely even check my Facebook anymore, if that tells you anything!

We are alive and well. Maggie is my little phenom.

I'll try to post something of more substance in the next couple weeks. Family and life takes priority of blogging for me right now. I know you all understand. :)

Two Months and Thensome

Maggie's two-month checkup was on Monday, April 27. It has officially been confirmed that not only do I have awesome baby-growing breastmilk, my baby is off the charts...literally. She has grown so much in just one month, it is almost unbelievable. She weighed in at 15 lbs. 8 oz., measured a whopping 24.75 inches, and her head circumference even gained some centimeters at 44 cm.

There have been some tough days over the past month...namely when John went to NYC for a manly men baseball trip, and then was supposed to head to Buenos Aires from there. During that time, Maggie either got sick (she was running a slight fever and not sleeping at all) or was in serious growth mode, leaving me with about two hours of sleep over a 4-5 day period. John made the decision to postpone the trip to BA since it wasn't critical, and now we are considering going down as a family sometime in the next month or so. We need to get Maggie's passport before any plans of us leaving the country really happens though. I'm also just really unsure about leaving the country already; well before she hits the 6 months old mark. I am thankful J opted to not postpone the trip and has even volunteered to take baby duty for several nights since he's been back from NYC. Not many dads volunteer themselves for that duty, and I definitely do not take it for granted.

Motherhood thus far has been such an incredible period of adjustment. Margaret is a really easygoing, mellow baby, which is why it completely freaked me out when she was seemingly so ill a couple weeks ago. And which is also why it stresses me out so much when she gets fuss budgety or has a serious crying jag. Margaret is just so amazing to me, and as each day passes I see her little personality starting to come out and her physical appearance morphing from that somewhat stock newborn look, to more of an individual, I'm my own baby, look.

Maggie started sleeping in her crib last week and has successfully slept through the night for a grand total of five nights now. Can you believe it? This recent development has surprised me being that she is only 10 weeks old, oves sleeping with her mama and/or in the bassinet next to the bed, but with her getting to be so long, the bassinet was really no longer an option. She's just a bundle of surprises. I've been told her all night sleeping jags are going to change back to getting up every few hours once she starts teething, but I'll definitely take the 6-8 hour stretches of sleep she is granting me and John. My sleep schedule is still totally out of whack, but it is nice to have a couple hours of calm for myself to catch up on household things, read a book, or hang out with John before I am able to crash myself.

Margaret smiles all the time, speaks and holds baby cooing conversations with me throughout the day, she can gaze at faces in mirrors for long periods of time and gets very excited about it, loves being read to, and absolutely loves Beethoven - dancing to it and just listening to the music. She is so curious about everything and I often worry I am overstimulating her, but I think she lets me know by getting fussy if certain activities become too much. Margaret recently discovered her hands and has since been putting her little baby fists into her mouth and sucking on them every chance she gets, which makes for a very drooly baby. :) She's also a very active and social baby, which is good to see, and is also interesting because I just knew she would be active while I was carrying her. And the most recent accomplishment is that she rolled about halfway over last week, but hasn't done it again since then, so I'm thinking it was a fluke, but who knows...as I said before, Maggie is just a bundle of surprises.

As I kind of talked about already, we have had some stumbling blocks, but nothing major. There was the mystery bout of sickness and/or growth a couple weeks ago that I already mentioned and a couple other somewhat minor things. We've found out that Maggie definitely has her dad's sensitive skin, with a couple pretty serious cases of diaper rash she's gotten even though we are vigilant about changing her and keeping her bottom dry. It can be so painful and my heart hurts when I think about it. Then there is the fact that Maggie abolutely abhors tummytime. I've tried it with her several times over the past two months, to no avail. She is having none of it. It makes her unbelievably cranky and hysterical. We've tried tummytime on the floor, on the couch, on her gym mat, and in her crib. Still not having any of it. The only other stumbling block we've really had to deal with is when Maggie gets herself all worked up over not getting fed fast enough...that's where the highly active baby thing becomes a curse. She will squirm and wiggle to the point where I can barely keep her both in my arms and on the Boppy to feed. Then she will also start smacking her face and pulling on it so aggressively I get scared she's going to hurt herself. Luckily these events are few and far between, but can definitely take their toll on my heart.

I'm just amazed at what an awesome baby I was blessed with. This is one journey I never really knew I'd be able to make, but I am glad it worked out that I am able to do this. Being a mom to Miss Margaret is everything I hoped it would be. At least so far. ;)

One Month Stats

With my computer deciding to go up sh** creek without a paddle a few weeks ago, I was unable to post the CRAZY stats my daughter had during her one month checkup at the pediatrician.

Well, I think they are crazy stats, especially considering that I had to box up Margaret's 0-3 month clothes today. Seeing as how she has outgrown all of them. That's right. I did not stutter. The 0-3 month clothes are out and the 3-6 month clothes are in...And I probably should have boxed her small clothes up a week or two ago, but alas, I was holding on to the fact that she is just so young still! I mean, barely a month old and outgrowing your 0-3 month clothes...NOOOO! NOT YET!

One month checkup stats: Weight: 12 pounds even. Height: 22 1/2 inches long.

That's one big baby!

The Stroke

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my mom's horribly debilitating stroke. I just want to say that I am so happy she survived and is still alive and kicking. I hope she continues the good fight and will be around for many more years to come. I love you, Mom.

The Baby Arrived!!!

I've been so lax in posting since I had the baby. But she did finally arrive! After 20 hours of labor, then having to have an emergency c-section, she joined the ranks of the Swanson-Headlee household. Hooray! She was a surprising baby, and I even ended up naming her something different than I had initially anticipated. And while I don't plan on having any more babies, if I do end up with another little girl somehow, I still have another name at the ready...

Margaret Elizabeth was born on February 18, 2009 at 251PM. She weighed in at 9lbs., 5oz., and was 21.25inches long. Her head measured at 40cm. Her ranks were as follows: Weight: 90%ile, Length: 97%ile, and Head Circumference: 99%ile.

I just knew she would have a fairly large head based upon both mine and John's noggins. I also knew she was going to weigh more than the 6.5-7.5 pounds my OB projected. Yep. I was right in both respects...and that makes me feel good because even though I've had a severe case of placenta brain since becoming pregnant, my intuition didn't completely suffer.

Well, That's That

I joined facebook today. As my friend, John (a la HIDEOUS KINKY), said, "The mighty have FALLEN."

Try not to judge too harshly.

NYE

It's that time again. The eve of the New Year...which means I will be reviewing my 2008 goals and putting together the official outline for my 2009 goals. I've been thinking quite a bit about my 2009 goals over the past few months, so I definitely have a solid foundation going into the whole process. Some of my goals in 2008 were achieved, some were not. I had some pretty challenging curveballs thrown in my direction this year, and I feel I definitely dealt with them successfully without detriment to my self, my relationships, my recovery, and my work.

Being able to successfully deal is an overall improvement from my past actions and behaviors. I would not have been able to deal had I not learned how to ask for help when I needed it through therapy and the amazing support system I have in place with family, friends, and doctors. I've always had some support beams in place, but I never really took advantage of them before, and through the completely life-changing experiences I went through and survived in 2007, I have learned I cannot do everything alone.

It took time for me to come to terms with opening myself up to others and actually being proactive in my recovery versus my typical modus of paying lip service and acting as though everything was a-okay. Life has been pretty darn amazing since I have opened myself up to really living, and I'm so happy I am still around. I want everyone who has been there for me to know how much they mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am at emotionally, spriritually, mentally, professionally, and even physically without you.

On to 2009!

Miscellany

-- I had another appointment with my doctor last week, and again, everything was normal. My next appointment is during the first week of November. I'll be getting the dreaded diabetes test then. MMMmmm...glucola. I only dread the test because I can't stand supersugary things that leave a nasty residue in my mouth, but mostly because of the fact that I will have more blood drawn then. Mere thoughts of veins, needles, and blood makes me lightheaded, so just imagine how it is when blood is actually taken. I'm just hoping to not pass out from the combination of my low blood pressure and anxiety about bloodwork...it's been known to happen. You would think I would be okay with bloodwork and all that comes with it by this point in my life, considering how many stays I've had in hospitals, but I'm not. Well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

-- The horrorfest was a pretty good time, although I was displeased with the fact that you weren't allowed to have food or drinks in the theatre. The horrorfest changed venues to the restored Warner Theatre this year, and apparently you aren't allowed to have any noshies in there. Zero. Zilch. Nothing. No popcorn. No licorice. No soda pop. Not even water. Being a pregnant waterfiend, I was displeased. On the positive tip, I did get to see some interesting long and short films, spend time with a couple of my sisters and a nephew, and I got to meet some new people.

-- While I was away in Erie, J altered the cleaning and painting plans a bit. He ended up priming and painting the baby room, and priming about half of the basement room. While it wasn't everything he intended to get done, it was a good chunk. This weekend we ideally be finishing the cleanout of the basement room, moving the office furniture from the baby room to the basement, and possibly getting 2/3 of the painting done down there. It seems like somewhat of a lofty goal considering we both have work to do this weekend, but I am hopeful we can get a chunk of the HI stuff done.

-- Next weekend we are taking a trip south to West Virginia to visit J's mom. On the way back we are stopping off at the IKEA in Pittsburgh to purchase essentials for the baby room and other items for the changes we are making. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed with all of this. I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't excited though, too.

Eerie Horror Film Festival

I'm being kicked out of the house over the weekend so that, in theory, J can prime and maybe paint the basement bonus room, move the heavy office furniture downstairs, and more or less make that space functional.

What am I going to do? Leave ClevelandOH on Thursday, head to EriePA, and watch scary movies with sisters Kat and Becky, and my nephew, Jacob.

How thrilled am I?

I Should Set Up Camp At The Home Depot

This weekend marked the beginning of major interior house changes J and I will be making over the next year plus. Since it has been decided we will be staying in Cleveland for at least the next 4-5 years (unless a South America move for all of us becomes a reality), we are finally going to invest the buckage into the house to modernize, increase longer-term value, and generally make it more of our own vs. investing minimal money to make minor changes in order to sell the house. I will be taking pictures along the way.

The master list of home improvement projects includes five relatively large undertakings:

1. (Re)finish the half-finished basement bonus room. Make functional for home office and family/play room
2. Baby Room. Painting, furniture, organization.
3. Living room. Reposition room for traffic flow, install new lighting, paint, move and reinstall home theatre system. We need a new couch since our current one is way too large for the space, but I know the new couch dream won't likely happen for at least a year.
4. Demo and gutting of the upstairs. Build a master suite and one additional upstairs bedroom vs. the two strangely small walk-in closet sized "bedrooms" and master.
5. Demo of the kitchen. Install a modern, functional kitchen space.

This weekend we purchased a new flat screen television and started cleaning out the bonus room in the basement. J and our friend Chris moved the old 60 inch projection tv that was in the living room down to the basement since I'm unable to do heavy lifting, then unloaded the new tv, and put it together in a temporary, makeshift set-up since J and I will be getting the living room completed within the next month.

We have a pretty hefty undertaking ahead of us, but I'm thrilled to be doing it. I suppose since finding out I was pregnant, I've become more mindful of the home I want for my family instead of my typical modus operandi: the highly nomadic, bachelor(ette)-pad-minded Karoline. Does that make sense? And while Cleveland, OH isn't my ideal location to live, I do want a livable, comforting, secure, warm environment for the baby.

The Official News

Remember that life-altering thing I wrote about awhile back?

Here goes:

belly balm for my pregnant belly
Originally uploaded by thesynesthetic

I am pregnant. So guess what? I'm having a baby.

I've named it The Flash for now since we don't know what sex it is, and because of another reason which I am not going to delve into right now. But if you think reeeeeally hard about it, you might figure it out. J reeeally wanted to name it The Brain after we saw the ultrasound on Monday, but I had to put the kibosh on that one.

Where am I at right now? Well, I successfully made it through my first trimester, and am 13 weeks and a few days along. My due date is on Valentine's Day. The baby is normal and healthy, and the heart rate is good. I think that's about all I have for right now.

I will be finding out what the sex of the baby is on September 26. (Hopefully!)

While this was unexpected, I am terribly excited and hopeful.

Miscellany

For those people who want to know what has and hasn't actually been going on in my life recently, here's an update on life buildup:

-- Last Monday (Happy Friggin' St. Patrick's Day!) I had my second oral surgery and root canal of the year. Completed after yet another jaw infection and abscessed tooth. Bone loss included. We are hopeful this one will take and a new porcelain crown will join the dregs of my slowly recovering eating disordered mouth in the next couple weeks. My mouth is a moneypit.

-- Travel to Argentina is scheduled for April 14. This is a 4-5 week trip. I'm hoping for five.

-- Since the travel to Argentina is occurring much later than anticipated, the Cleveland Half-Marathon is going to be a no-go this year. I will achieve my goal of running a half this year, just not in Cleveland. Right now we are looking to travel somewhere to run in July or August. My vote is for the Rock and Roll Marathon and Half in Virginia Beach over Labor Day weekend, but we shall see. But there is also the Roadrunner and USAF right here in Ohio, so who knows?

-- Also along the lines of switching up my 2008 goals, I think I am going to join CrossFit instead of starting a beginner Pilates class...at least for now. Since moving back up here, I've been itching to get myself into a hardcore fitness program to burnBURNburn as well as to meet likeminded people, but have been lacking in the "go get'em" attitude to do so. I'm tired of not getting the desired results from the solo workouts I do and after much research, I've officially decided CrossFit is the type of thing I'm looking for in regards to exercise regimens and muscle building. Check it: Cleveland CrossFit Now the question is, "Do I start ASAP or after I get back from Argentina?" Not sure yet.

-- I'm still seriously contemplating hair extensions.

-- I am scheduled to get more work done on my left forearm next Wednesday, April 2. I will be driving down to Pittsburgh to have Joe Bruce ink me up at Stay Gold Tattoo. He's awesome. A fantastic artist. I will post pictures after the session.

-- I've recently been in contact with one of my really great friends from my undergrad days at the U of A. He found me on LinkedIn and is actually featured in my x365 posts which have stalled yet again; But will have back up and running as soon as things settle down in my life. I should call it my x365 in x730 days. I think it is going to take that long for me to get it done. But you know what? Slow and steady wins the mystery race, right? Ha! Anyways, my buddy is a fellow writer and the correspondence has been nothing short of great. I'm stoked that he found me and that I can once again call him my friend.

-- I've been diligent in my learning the ins and outs of CSS for my personal website which will be: The Stubborn Swede, but I'm almost tempted to just plug my blogger into the site versus actuallly building. Temptation is hard to resist. For now, I am resisting. Largely because me having knowledge equals power over what I am doing in regards to current career change. But that's the future domain. FYIJSYK.

-- Speaking of tecchie things, I need to relearn PhotoShop. Last time I used it was like seven years ago maybe? Six? A long time ago. I also need to find the Sony DSC-H2 as it is boxed up from my last move. I would also like to learn the Nikon D80 that has been gathering dust in the hall closet...maybe I'll get a chance down in Bargentina. And spring is coming which means I can use the awesome list of places in ClevelandOH to go shoot photos Kill Basa sent me a few months ago. I'm looking forward to that.

-- Going on a ghosthunt to the West Virginia State Penitentiary with a paranormal group during July. Confirmation came via email yesterday, so it's a go. Supercool, eh? Moundsville is spoooooky.

Overall, life for me has been a series of far ups and far downs since coming back north. What I can say is that I am sticking to my plans and am asking for help when I need it. I have a wonderful support system and I am truly blessed to be able to lean on those people in my life.

Recovery is difficult. But worth it.

Russian Blues

I have a nine year old cat named Lucifer. Inherited from my mom last year, Lucifer has been living the good life with me. She has an electric litterbox, eats the best dry food for older kitties, also chows down on a small can of Fancy Feast a few times a week, and is showered with love and affection. Over the past year she has morphed from superiorly skittish kitty to regal, nonchalant, spoiled kitty.

Here is proof:

Look how regal!!!

I think she needs a friend. I've had this notion for awhile now, but I've been on a mysterious three-month-no-purchase-a-new-pet-unless-the-thought-is-stillthereafterthreemonths-time-limit. This is due to the great Matilda debacle. Ahhhh, Matilda. I do not miss her.

So the next new pet will be a Russian Blue cat. This is what a full-grown Russian Blue looks like:

Equally regal to Luciferface!

But I would hope to grow my Russian Blue into looking more like this:

The three month waiting period is coming to an end, and I think all things will be a go, although if it is decided to move forward with the purchase, it will be officially postponed until late spring due to the impending Argentina trip, but let's not allow me to get ahead of myself here.

After the cat...maybe another dog. Woof! It wouldn't quite be Wild Kingdom, but it would be darn close!

NaBloPoMo Kicks Off...

And I have absolutely nothing on my mind to write about today. I've been stewing on my NaBloPoMo writing plans for well over a month, and yet today I am empty, so I am writing about that. Maybe later I will feel inspired and will write about rainbows and lollipops. Or not.

Being up north is very interesting to me.

Today

I look like a cancer patient. Don't ask and I won't tell.

On another note, I am headed up north. Leaving shortly. Just have to put everything in my suitcase, pay my rent, get some bills in the mail, and to the freeway...

Think positively for me. I could use it right now.

Punks

While I was out adventuring along I-40W today, it was all I could do to contain my intense need to goGOgo. "Go" in the sense of flight. That whole fight or flight concept. You see, I-40W takes me to I-30W, which also takes me to I-20W, and then finally to I-10W.

What is off of I-10W? Tucson, Arizona. I miss the desert, but moreso, I miss my non-sexual soulmate - my punks. I haven't spoken or written to him in quite awhile. And I know that the next time we do talk, it will be like we never stopped talking. Gosh, it hasn't even been a month, but it feels like an eternity.

I miss the superconnection. The Level.

When we are together we don't even have to talk to know what the other is thinking. It's as though as each brain synapse (mis)fires, we read the language before it is ever verbalized or even displayed in body language.

This is the Level.

Not many friends could get through some of the crazy stuff we've been through together unscathed, but somehow we have both managed to forge ahead and emerge relatively unscathed and a stronger force to be reckoned with...I don't recommend you test us, though. You probably couldn't handle it.

I know I will never have another friend like him and I am willing to bet he won't either. Over ten years of friendship, and I cannot imagine my life without some semblance of his presence in it.

Punks, you are my heart.