Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Just Call Me Karoline Fat Pants

May I speak openly?

One thing no one ever tells you when you are becoming full of baby is that you will wake up one day and your pants simply don't fit you anymore. This happened to me this past week. I popped. In a weird, I look like I've been eating too many Twinkies and Ho-hos kind of way. I have an interesting little, hard babybump belt below my bellybutton. I knew I was likely going to start showing in the fourth month, but I didn't know how suddenly my pants wouldn't fit right anymore. I've had a hard enough time adjusting to the new size of my chest - hello, two cup size increase already and they're supposedly going to get bigger! - and now, suddenly, I have to get used to being a completely new size by buying bigger pants for my new spare tire, wear yoga pants all the time, or take a deep breath and pony up and wear the very strange stretchtop pants.

This is new territory. I can't control my expanding belly and chest and not having control over it is kind of a frightening concept to me. And while I've been in recovery for well over a year and a half, I've been obsessing a bit about my size and other stuff that goes with the ever-familiar unhealthy territory that consumed over half my life. This is the territory I am proactively trying to steer relatively clear of presently and futurewise, and it is proving to be quite a challenge to steer clear of it while coping with the rapid body changes I am experiencing - some of which seem to happen overnight.

Sooo I thought I'd air my insanity out here, just to at least try to get my thoughts out in the open (a forum where my partner in crime doesn't look at me as though I am utterly ridiculous...and even if said partner is raising eyebrows at me right now, I, at least, can't see him); Because yes, I've been thinking about trying to control my size, weight, space, but then my wisemind kicks in and tells me that I know that I need to nourish myself not just for me anymore. It's a two party nutritionfest. And thus far I think I've been pretty great about everything considering this huge life-changing factor - and I hate to say it but I'm going to anyways - it probably helped that I lost weight the first two months and then balanced/plateaued for almost the past two months. How sick does that last statement sound? My doctor would probably have a heyday with that one.

Sometimes it's just hard to breathe when I start to think about the massive body changes I am going through and will be going through. I know as long as I keep myself in check, everything will work out okay. Keep my eyes on the prize - a happy, healthy baby. Some days are just better than others.

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