Friday, October 26, 2007

I need to do my posts for numbers twenty-five and twenty-six. Hopefully I will get to it tonight...

Sadly, it hasn't been paramount to me as I have just discovered the joys of television show watching online (not youtubing) and have been kept up late at night this week catching up on House and Criminal Minds. I am a slacker. Yes.

Also, I am stressed beyond belief of not having a full-time job. I do think I secured some consult/freelance business today, so maybe I'll have December's rent paid.

I really don't want to be forced to move back north. I am not ready to face that. I do not know if I will ever be ready to face that in the next year. Hell, I've already planned on Thanksgiving time down here or in Kentucky caving by myself.

Which leads me to wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I not so much want to see my family or few friends I have up north? Why do I not plan on spending holidays down here with the few friends I have made here instead? Why am I compelled to go and do some solitary activity/adventure?

Probably because I know it will balance me. Balance me in ways that I need, otherwise I am not whole. Not me.

Many people don't understand this component of my personality. Sometimes I don't even understand it, but I know it works. Most of the time. Sometimes I do want companionship and all that jazz, but all relationships, be it platonic or romantic or both, are two way streets and I often find that many people don't understand that.

I know when I lack. I know when you lack.

I also know when you lie to me and tell me you are my friend, when in reality, you are not. If people are really your friends, they do put forth the energy and efforts and don't throw hissy fits when things don't go their way or the way that they projected them to go and then cut you out of their lives when things don't go as planned. So to me, just because I might be off the radar for a few days, does not mean that I am not your friend or that something is up or whatever it is people think.

If you are my real friend, you understand and respect my need to get away and I will speak with you about my experience(s) when I am back inasmuch as I would you; But if you REALLY need me, I will emerge from my solitude time to help you. If you actually need me and aren't just being unsure of your placement in the friendship which goes both ways, you know? And just because I might go off the radar, is that real justification for deciding to stop being my friend? I don't think so.

I know I don't do that to people I actually care about, and you see, that has happened to me recently down here in Knoxville. Been on the receiving end of passive-aggressive, overly needy friendships where people freak out if you aren't as available to them as they think you should be. Stress on the "think you should be."

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly juvenile grown adults can be.

On the other hand, I am glad to have learned things like this in a shorter timeframe than I have in the past. This is good. From pain, I grow. From pain, I grew.


And here I thought I had no time to write...

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