ZOMG.

For those of you who celebrate(d) Beaster, I hope your weekend and Lenten and Passover and all that stuff I don't necessarily *get* was fantastic.

Consciously thinking about and writing down my next installment of ten self-statements; I want to work on decade two for the Timeline, yet I am having immense trouble overcoming a mental hurdle in regards to the latter.

PS.

ZOMG.

Self-Statements: Installment Two

Picking up where I left off so long ago.

11. I am skilled at finding practical solutions to complicated situations
12. Green is my favorite color.
13. I have an obsession with prime numbers.
14. I can speak and process language backwards.
15. I move a lot. So much so, you would think I was an Army brat.
16. I coach roller derby.
17. I am a straight shooter.
18. I went to college in Arizona. I'd like to move back there someday.
19. I have never been to the Pacific Northwest USA. I am hoping to get up there by 2015.
20. Russian literature is my bent.

--First Installment From A Few Years Ago--
01. I have four tattoos.
02. I think roadtrips are the BEST way to travel. Either alone or with someone who is good company.
03. I get red, hotface when I am nervous.
04. I do not excel at making small-talk with others.
05. I have a fiercely independent streak.
06. I read about eight books per month, which averages to about two books per week.
07. "Twin Peaks" is my favorite television show of all-time.
08. I crack my knuckles.
09. I have been told I have an annoyingly positive attitude. I have also been told I have an annoyingly cynical way of thinking at times. Combine the two concepts, and I figure I'm an optimistic pragmatist.
10. My father passed away before we ever got a chance to reconcile.

I got three statements done tonight. In reference to the next official installment of Self-Statements post. Trying to not over-think the statements.

Over-thinking is something I struggle with on a fairly regular basis. I just want to make sure the statements are honest, open, forthcoming. Because, hell, if I'm going to throw these statements: facts, opinions, perceptions, out there into the blogosphere...well, I want them to be as accurate as possible.

Hoping to have the next installment finished within the next three days.

No.

I take that back.

There is no hoping.

I will have that installment done within the next three days.

--

On another note. I need to get some serious beauty sleep.

It's pert near oh-five-hundred and I've yet to meet my dreamweaver, penultimate holder of beauteous sleep.

I'm up. STILL.

No thanks to you: Derbies; Love; Work.

That is all.

following through

Going back and reading through the past four or five years of having this here blogger, I realize I MASSIVELY FAILED at more than one of the blog-posting goals I had set up for myself. No, I'm not talking about the building of my own website because, frankly, that's definitely a priority that shifted, changed, and is no longer of importance to me. And I admitted it. In black. In white. On here.

So now here I am, waiting for the green light to leave CleveOH to head back to EriePA, thinking about some of my smaller failures over the past four-five years. Some of my more easily rectifiable failures. Which led me to think about how the power is in my hands - especially when it comes to my writing space. And my life space. And my workspace. And my brainspace.

I am embarrassed with myself because I did not follow through on two of the writing/blogging goals I had thought would be relatively facile for me get done. I am embarrassed because I cannot stand it when people in my life say they are going to follow through on something, then don't. I am well-known for my follow-through, but if I'm being honest with myself here, and of course you, my readers, I've also had my fair share of flaking out on things over the past years.

In the past, if I was unable to follow through with something, I usually did not have a problem accepting that sometimes I was unable to fulfill a commitment and let the person depending on me know that I was unable to fulfill said expectation. Then directing dependent person to other resources that could better fulfill their needs. It was also not as difficult for me (as it obviously has been over the past few years) to admit that I needed an extension or simply needed help in fulfilling expectations and following through on what I said I would do.

I'm trying to rebuild, reconstruct, patch up, whatever you want to call it - this characteristic of my self that I used to hold in such high regard because it was one of my best qualities, and I still hold it in high regard - even though I see I dropped the ball quite a bit over the past few years.

And while I'm disappointed with my self for doing that, I can't go back and change it per se, I can continue to improve and ideally prove through consistent demonstration, not only for others, but also for myself, that I am able to follow through, admit my missteps, accept responsibility, ask for help, change the situation(s), etc.

I am now, out in the open forum of my blog, admitting and accepting responsibility for this lesser quality I allowed to rear its ugly head in my life for a few years, and in response, have been proactively working on said lesser quality for several months now.

I still make missteps in my life, A LOT of them, but I learn from them, and change them, or work to change them - instead of saying it's life circumstance or that I have no control or any other number of excuses I know I've made - because I do have control over my choices and decisions.

This post was meant to more or less keep to my blog failures, but we all know it's also correlated to my real life.

Enter building blocks.

I'm going to redirect this post back to aforementioned blog failures. My two big blog FAILS over the past four-five years are: 1. Timeline - I still have two decades to finish posting.; 2. Self-Statements - Of the one hundred I said I would post, I only posted ten. TEN?!?! Really?!?!

If I calculate the completeness of each of these failures, I only achieved 33.33% of Timeline; 10% of Self-Statements. If I was graded or reviewed on these, they would definitely be considered failing scores.

I can't change the pre-existing failures, but I can do some extra credit by finishing and achieving these two blog topics that I've meant to complete because I want to and have wanted to...but for some reason, had not gotten around to doing. We all know I don't sleep much, so I can't say that I don't have time. That's a bullshit excuse.

This is one of the big changes I'm in-process of better understanding the motivations behind, dealing, and thus confronting head-on this year. No matter how uncomfortable I am.

Not just with the blog, but in all facets of my life. Taking ownership back, following through, asking for help when I need it, knowing when I am simply unable to fulfill an expectation or need to put it on hold, and then communicating that to any other parties involved.

That said. My two blog failures are going to be successes this year.

Time to get back on the road again...

thinking. thinking. thinking.

next steps. next steps. next steps.

relentless forward progress.
--
i'm so happy my day is finally over and done with and i have gained greater clarity on what i need to actually *do* to make the changes i need to make in order to improve lives.

not just my own.
--
turning pages, ending chapters, finishing books.
you might say.
or you might not.
--
maybe i'm amazed.
minus the "maybe."
--
it's taken some (un)objective heart and mind reasoning to get to where i am.
presently.
--
i am unabashed in my choices.
they are good ones.

if they turn out to not be so good, i will just have to suck it up, rethink, and change the process in order to continue making the best possible decisions and choices.
--
i'm in it for the long haul.
--
watch out world...
there's a semi-natural disaster of positivity building up its storm.
coming to a town near you.
--
i'm tired of the glum.
humdrum.
indifferent.
--
no more shitshows, at least in my life, if i have anything to say about it. :)

foucauldian

the disappearance of public executions therefore marks the decline of the spectacle.

we have no spectacles anymore in this culture.

everything is mediamediamedia.

i write this as i take advantage of my blog.

the sub-par facebook social media replacement.

yep.

jerkfaces unite!

let's admit just one thing.

you were never really my friend.

especially since you found me to be so trashable. disposable. garbage.

newsflash: you are the garbage.

you were: the friend too far gone into being hip and cool. the friend too far into posing a certain way. taking advantage of my naivete. the friend who judged so coldly and ruthlessly all the while expecting compassion and warmth in return.

because what you were going through was "so different." because you thought you could manipulate me.

because you thought you knew how to play my naivete like Mendelssohn.

you were wrong. unfortunate for you.

too bad i got smarter when it came to you. and too bad, i know the crap hands you play. too bad i see you for what you are. too bad i see me for what i am.

i do not discount ownership in breakdowns. especially when it comes to those pesky feelings. but really.

really?!?!

if i were you in the same sitch two years ago.

more than one year of knowledgeabilty. even if we were both wearing elistist asshats.

if i was truly your friend. if i was actually the person of such great relevance in your life as you posited me to be to you.

you to me.

i certainly would not betray you by being cold and unforgiving.

i would try to find some common ground. some way to better understand your pain(s), your past-present-future life experience. or some other semblance of existence on which we were actually able to relate.

congratulations on your judgmentalism. perhaps you should get your JD.

or wait.

no.

you are better than a law degree. since. you are so (un)hip, so (un)cool, so (un)above it.

enter middle finger.

traveling to st.clairsvilleOH for the derbies today.

nervous. excited. anticipatory. anxious.

--

eight hours 'til liftoff.

as of the past several weeks, there's been a major jack white music phase going on in my brain. and when i say "major," i mean, "MAJOR."

perhaps due to solar flares, i'm finding my self listening to more mamas & papas.

trying to understand correlation twixt the two. if any.

--

so i have a new mac. it's a powerbook. and it's silver.

i miss my old mac.

its cracked white shell.

my bruce springsteen sticker holding it together.

--

i miss a lot of things.

--

i wish a lot of things.

--

i change a lot of things.

--

and as far as wishes go.

i'm taking them back.

--

wishes get you nowhere.

it's all about action.

--

proaction.

i think i'm in love.
unlike any other previously experienced.

the kind worthy of:
eddie money. lionel richie. otis redding. air supply. elvis presley. glen phillips.

love.
actually.
good movie.

i have zero ideas on how to proceed.

just go with it. yes?!


knowing my modus.

let's see how i mess this up.

i've been using the book of face for far too much anymore, so i think i'm going to go back to taking it to my blog. i know i won't get nearly as many comments, or any for that matter, but there is a comfort in knowing that i feel much more comfortable being honest and open in this forum as opposed to me questioning things i write. even if they are just teensy little nuggets of thoughts. i know i have or had like five regular readers of my blog before my extended silence - maybe i'll get those five readers back. maybe not. i don't really care either way at this point. there is just so much in my head that i need to get out, so i think i'm taking it back to this here blog and maybe my lj.

nuggets.

ugh.

thend.

Last night while Maggie and I were watching part of the Nightmare on 95, she'd point out the Pivots and Blockers and exclaim, "Mama! Mama!" Then when a Jammer came into view on the screen, she'd also clap her hands and exclaim, "Nini, Nini!" <--that's what she calls her one of her aunts. She did the same thing today while watching the Gotham/SCDD game. Apparently my two year-old is beginning to grasp the game. HILARIOUS.

Trying to quantify data when you have very little of said data is so frustrating, it makes me want to pull out my hair in big, giant clumps.

At least my apartment is of a reasonable temperature as opposed to how it's been the last few days with it being in the 80s AND super-humid outside. Unseasonably warm. And I have no A/C in this here popsicle joint. When I found my place back in January, A/C wasn't something I was entirely concerned with having. And I might still not be all that concerned moving forward if I am living in a place with decent insulation and NOT on the second floor of an older quad. Sheesh.

I'm also not entirely sure why I'm posting about A/C and how my place is lacking it, other than I'm still stumped on how to even begin talking/writing about all the changes, most positive, in my life. The things I have not really posted about on this blog. On the facebook. Or on my trusty old livejournal. Stumped, I tell you, STUMPED!

If I had stuck to my typical modus, I'd have it all or most of it written down somewhere, but my modus was anything but typical this year. And maybe that's another positive thing I have going for me.

For now, I'll just try not to pull my hair out from work frustration and focus on how nice it is outside today and think about how much fun Maggie and I are going to have over the next week.

Blog Fail

Only 11 posts in 2011?

I'm going to have to rectify this STAT!

As I stated in my July 26 post, I have rid my life of much crazy. And I realize I haven't even shared much, if anything, of what has gone on in the life of Karoline over the past year or so. Perhaps that is a potential starting point in regards to my hopes for more frequent blog updates.

Updating may also be beneficial since I am coming off an awful head, neck, and spinal injury from derby, and frankly my brain hasn't been working/processing things in the same fashion which it is used to doing. It's definitely getting better, but I have to say my ditzy factor seems to not be getting better as quickly as the rest of my brain capabilities. Is that the right word I am looking for - capabilities? If it's not the correct word, see above. Head injury.

I *am* hoping that I'll be back on the track in 2012 as long as my impact scores allow me to engage in a full contact sport sooner, rather than later.

Peace out until the next time.

i've recently purged a lot of crazy from my life. it's been good.

i hung out with one of my poet-friends last night. it was a good reminder of how there are so many rewarding things to do other than the one extracurricular activity i somehow let consume my personal life over the past six-seven months.

my friend, t, kept saying, "blinders off." quite apropos. i've been feeling the same, but didn't have a term for it. now i do. i thank her for that. now only if she and i could cross paths more often than once every few months or so...

i need more genuine, sincere people in my life. i've got zero tolerance for fake.

it's been awhile. and by awhile i mean -- MONTHS!
sorry to neglect you, blog. you need some redesign.

--

trying to install new software for work. and NOTHING is working the way it's supposed to work.
quite frustrating.
especially when i am fielding a call in t-minus 19 minutes.

--

i have a new friend in eriePA!
i have a few new friends in eriePA!
maybe this whole putting out more positivity is actually working.

--

as soon as i get my work crap finished, i'm going to buy that banjo.

beaster time, beaster time.

there are days i think my life is nothing but beaster time.

--

been spread so thin lately, i'm having trouble maintaining.

--

years ago there was an everclear song about being everything to everyone.
while i've never thought myself a pleaser, i'm discovering the whole life upheaval shit uncloseted it...the dreaded pleasing tendency.
my inclination to please was probably always there, i was just unaware.
before.
now i am.
it disgusts me.

i hope i can change it instead of continuing to engage in it.

--

i'm having a hard time standing up for myself when all i see is swampland in myself.
every day.
i don't want my daughter to bear witness to my unraveling, sinking, whatever you call it.
i will power through it.

--

i always do.