i've been using the book of face for far too much anymore, so i think i'm going to go back to taking it to my blog. i know i won't get nearly as many comments, or any for that matter, but there is a comfort in knowing that i feel much more comfortable being honest and open in this forum as opposed to me questioning things i write. even if they are just teensy little nuggets of thoughts. i know i have or had like five regular readers of my blog before my extended silence - maybe i'll get those five readers back. maybe not. i don't really care either way at this point. there is just so much in my head that i need to get out, so i think i'm taking it back to this here blog and maybe my lj.

nuggets.

ugh.

thend.

Last night while Maggie and I were watching part of the Nightmare on 95, she'd point out the Pivots and Blockers and exclaim, "Mama! Mama!" Then when a Jammer came into view on the screen, she'd also clap her hands and exclaim, "Nini, Nini!" <--that's what she calls her one of her aunts. She did the same thing today while watching the Gotham/SCDD game. Apparently my two year-old is beginning to grasp the game. HILARIOUS.

Trying to quantify data when you have very little of said data is so frustrating, it makes me want to pull out my hair in big, giant clumps.

At least my apartment is of a reasonable temperature as opposed to how it's been the last few days with it being in the 80s AND super-humid outside. Unseasonably warm. And I have no A/C in this here popsicle joint. When I found my place back in January, A/C wasn't something I was entirely concerned with having. And I might still not be all that concerned moving forward if I am living in a place with decent insulation and NOT on the second floor of an older quad. Sheesh.

I'm also not entirely sure why I'm posting about A/C and how my place is lacking it, other than I'm still stumped on how to even begin talking/writing about all the changes, most positive, in my life. The things I have not really posted about on this blog. On the facebook. Or on my trusty old livejournal. Stumped, I tell you, STUMPED!

If I had stuck to my typical modus, I'd have it all or most of it written down somewhere, but my modus was anything but typical this year. And maybe that's another positive thing I have going for me.

For now, I'll just try not to pull my hair out from work frustration and focus on how nice it is outside today and think about how much fun Maggie and I are going to have over the next week.

Blog Fail

Only 11 posts in 2011?

I'm going to have to rectify this STAT!

As I stated in my July 26 post, I have rid my life of much crazy. And I realize I haven't even shared much, if anything, of what has gone on in the life of Karoline over the past year or so. Perhaps that is a potential starting point in regards to my hopes for more frequent blog updates.

Updating may also be beneficial since I am coming off an awful head, neck, and spinal injury from derby, and frankly my brain hasn't been working/processing things in the same fashion which it is used to doing. It's definitely getting better, but I have to say my ditzy factor seems to not be getting better as quickly as the rest of my brain capabilities. Is that the right word I am looking for - capabilities? If it's not the correct word, see above. Head injury.

I *am* hoping that I'll be back on the track in 2012 as long as my impact scores allow me to engage in a full contact sport sooner, rather than later.

Peace out until the next time.

i've recently purged a lot of crazy from my life. it's been good.

i hung out with one of my poet-friends last night. it was a good reminder of how there are so many rewarding things to do other than the one extracurricular activity i somehow let consume my personal life over the past six-seven months.

my friend, t, kept saying, "blinders off." quite apropos. i've been feeling the same, but didn't have a term for it. now i do. i thank her for that. now only if she and i could cross paths more often than once every few months or so...

i need more genuine, sincere people in my life. i've got zero tolerance for fake.

it's been awhile. and by awhile i mean -- MONTHS!
sorry to neglect you, blog. you need some redesign.

--

trying to install new software for work. and NOTHING is working the way it's supposed to work.
quite frustrating.
especially when i am fielding a call in t-minus 19 minutes.

--

i have a new friend in eriePA!
i have a few new friends in eriePA!
maybe this whole putting out more positivity is actually working.

--

as soon as i get my work crap finished, i'm going to buy that banjo.

beaster time, beaster time.

there are days i think my life is nothing but beaster time.

--

been spread so thin lately, i'm having trouble maintaining.

--

years ago there was an everclear song about being everything to everyone.
while i've never thought myself a pleaser, i'm discovering the whole life upheaval shit uncloseted it...the dreaded pleasing tendency.
my inclination to please was probably always there, i was just unaware.
before.
now i am.
it disgusts me.

i hope i can change it instead of continuing to engage in it.

--

i'm having a hard time standing up for myself when all i see is swampland in myself.
every day.
i don't want my daughter to bear witness to my unraveling, sinking, whatever you call it.
i will power through it.

--

i always do.

when i ask you a question and you answer, "whatever."
i want you to know "whatever" is insufficient.
it does not answer my question.
nor does it get you out of actually having to answer my question.

i'm like a cat.
i'll be back the very next day.
wanting the answer.
waiting for the answer.

meowing at your door.

i smell really effing good.

---

you tell me you are
"different"
but;
you are not different.
rather,
you epitomize harrison bergeron

--

thank you for showing me how another weapon works.
you thought i wasn't paying attention,
but all the information was retained.

--

sometimes i walk behind too slowly for others.
or am too scattered, flibbertyjittery
for others to understand.

--

but i am always present.
occasionally distant.
but always present.

--

end.

i listen to the words, but i'm having difficulty hearing the language.

so apparently i get more traffic the more often i post in here. go figure.

--

i've been open-eyed dreaming in ebony and plums.

performing the dead walk among the living.

rich in hue and dark in passion, there is unrest.

--

i need to unclog my brain.

it’s somewhere between sunrise and truth or dare games
played by children who run naked outside in snowstorms
when dawn knocks on the door
raging blood and cuts

paralyzation

you are a shock of red

burning bright in a sunrise looming within twilight
i see the blues in your flames

dusting your self off
trying to not scream
all the while your face
showcases your pain

you are me

i once was you.

-- listening to the arcade fire. the suburbs. i am ready to start and move mountains beyond mountains.

-- burned my left forearm today. making ghetto gourmet foodstuffs. it effing singes.

-- feeling rahther pretentious. has something to do with the fact that i'm so awesome.

-- yes.

This year I vow to take better care of my self.

That's what I got right now.

been sick with the worst flu EVER for about the past week now. i'm on the mend, but that explains why my next installment of ten items about me have yet to be posted. i think i've lost about five-ten pounds. funny, since people are supposed to be gaining weight around this time of year. stress+flu = weight loss. i'll hopefully have something more interesting to post in the next few days - along with the next installment of ten. i hope everyone else out there who reads this here blogger of mine is doing well in mind, body, and wealth-health. back to my space station...err, my couch.

so much poetry.

how much, you ask?

SO MUCH.

...more to come on the aforementioned. in the meantime, i'll be posting 10 more not-so-interesting-yet-still-interesting facts about yours truly later today.

word.

i think i'm going to start calling ohio oh-no-hi-oh again times infinity.

i'm drifting farther away and reaching further inwards.

there is an end or at least a solution which is and has started going into effect.

i just don't know how many more minutes of hours of days of weeks i can handle all of it.

it doesn't help when i am aware of the fact that i am consistently belittled in a passively manipulative way by someone with whom i care. it also doesn't help on the days when i am flat out ignored, steamrolled, bulldozed.

i'm struggling. it hurts.