when i ask you a question and you answer, "whatever."
i want you to know "whatever" is insufficient.
it does not answer my question.
nor does it get you out of actually having to answer my question.

i'm like a cat.
i'll be back the very next day.
wanting the answer.
waiting for the answer.

meowing at your door.

i smell really effing good.

---

you tell me you are
"different"
but;
you are not different.
rather,
you epitomize harrison bergeron

--

thank you for showing me how another weapon works.
you thought i wasn't paying attention,
but all the information was retained.

--

sometimes i walk behind too slowly for others.
or am too scattered, flibbertyjittery
for others to understand.

--

but i am always present.
occasionally distant.
but always present.

--

end.

i listen to the words, but i'm having difficulty hearing the language.

so apparently i get more traffic the more often i post in here. go figure.

--

i've been open-eyed dreaming in ebony and plums.

performing the dead walk among the living.

rich in hue and dark in passion, there is unrest.

--

i need to unclog my brain.

it’s somewhere between sunrise and truth or dare games
played by children who run naked outside in snowstorms
when dawn knocks on the door
raging blood and cuts

paralyzation

you are a shock of red

burning bright in a sunrise looming within twilight
i see the blues in your flames

dusting your self off
trying to not scream
all the while your face
showcases your pain

you are me

i once was you.

-- listening to the arcade fire. the suburbs. i am ready to start and move mountains beyond mountains.

-- burned my left forearm today. making ghetto gourmet foodstuffs. it effing singes.

-- feeling rahther pretentious. has something to do with the fact that i'm so awesome.

-- yes.

This year I vow to take better care of my self.

That's what I got right now.

been sick with the worst flu EVER for about the past week now. i'm on the mend, but that explains why my next installment of ten items about me have yet to be posted. i think i've lost about five-ten pounds. funny, since people are supposed to be gaining weight around this time of year. stress+flu = weight loss. i'll hopefully have something more interesting to post in the next few days - along with the next installment of ten. i hope everyone else out there who reads this here blogger of mine is doing well in mind, body, and wealth-health. back to my space station...err, my couch.

so much poetry.

how much, you ask?

SO MUCH.

...more to come on the aforementioned. in the meantime, i'll be posting 10 more not-so-interesting-yet-still-interesting facts about yours truly later today.

word.

i think i'm going to start calling ohio oh-no-hi-oh again times infinity.

i'm drifting farther away and reaching further inwards.

there is an end or at least a solution which is and has started going into effect.

i just don't know how many more minutes of hours of days of weeks i can handle all of it.

it doesn't help when i am aware of the fact that i am consistently belittled in a passively manipulative way by someone with whom i care. it also doesn't help on the days when i am flat out ignored, steamrolled, bulldozed.

i'm struggling. it hurts.

i try to do the right thing. then when i do, it seems i get walked all over and taken advantage of by those of whom i'm helping/trying to help. i'm not sure why/how i consistently do this to myself. it's a pattern. i don't know how to break it.

The Suburbs

New Arcade Fire. Effing FANTASTIC.

So much going on in the life of Miss Karoline presently. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating on toxygen (toxic + oxygen = toxygen). As I continue moving forward with what I know I need to do for my own health as well as Maggie's, I keep discovering there is more and more work to be done. I'm digging through the layers of my earth, and beneath the surface there aren't just four layers, there are layers within the layers, and then the toxygen takes over and I am left breathless. I'm scared, yet excited. I'm overwhelmed, but I know I've been through worse things than this. A wise woman I know, my therapist, advised me to be a broken record to parties who refuse to listen. I think this is a smart move, yet in practice, it doesn't seem to be working; although, rationally I know it has only been less than a week, and sometimes messages aren't clear in such short timeframes. So I keep playing the broken record. Needle skipping on this one scratch. Repetition. Obnoxious in its unrelenting ways, but I know it's what I need to do to keep my sanity. Skip. Skip. Blip. Blip. Hopefully the message will register loud and clear over the next couple weeks, and I can then stop breaking records and start enjoying the music that I know is present in my future.

Self-Statements

I'm going to do my "facts" in installments of tens. These statements should probably not be called facts per se because while some may be facts, some will also be self-perceptions, and then I'm sure some will also end up being observations that others have made in regards to me over the years. I decided that I'll be calling these "facts," "self-statements." I can't think of what else to call them at this time. So until I think of something better or more interesting to call them, self-statements will do.

Here we go:

10 Self-Statements

01. I have four tattoos.
02. I think roadtrips are the BEST way to travel. Either alone or with someone who is good company.
03. I get red, hotface when I am nervous.
04. I do not excel at making small-talk with others.
05. I have a fiercely independent streak.
06. I read about eight books per month, which averages to about two books per week.
07. "Twin Peaks" is my favorite television show of all-time.
08. I crack my knuckles.
09. I have been told I have an annoyingly positive attitude. I have also been told I have an annoyingly cynical way of thinking at times. Combine the two concepts, and I figure I'm an optimistic pragmatist.
10. My father passed away before we ever got a chance to reconcile.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared.

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.

Several years ago, when I was a regular livejournal post-a-saurus rex-er, I put together a list of 100 facts all about me, so people could learn more about me. The list was compiled for people who were both in my life in-person as well as people who were my intergalactic interwebs buddies. I had learned that people in both realms felt they didn't know a whole lot about me, so the list was compiled to provide a snapshot of sorts into various aspects of my existence. I think I'm going to do another revised/updated list here on my blogger for my readers, friends, family. Largely because I would like people to know more about me, and know that people don't necessarily know all that much about me...well, I guess the basics in regards to my persona. So yeah. Coming soon will be a 100facts post, providing some tidbits and insights into Karoline. Word.

There is vehemence in the aphonic.

Sometimes the words that matter, carry gravity or lackthereof depending on how you look at it, elude me. I allow myself to get mired in weaving words and language when all I need to do is utilize my powers of brevity.

I've recently found that while my linguistic skills are still somewhat muddled, I am able to get down to the roots, my roots, through painting. I am no aficionado, prodigy, or expert, and others who might ever have a chance to see my painterly side, will probably think it's total sh*t, but it's cathartic to me and I find beauty in my lack of skill.

My lack of language. My lack of training. My lack of expertise. Understanding and embracing the awkward of something new again. I haven't taken to canvas in years. I never felt my skills were good enough. I never felt good enough.

The messiness, the abstraction, layers slathered on, then peeled away. Imprints that are there if you look closely and not too critically. I've never considered myself an artist or artistic for that matter, but over the course of this extended roadtrip, I've found that maybe I can release some of what I want to say and scream onto a canvas. The canvas doesn't judge. It just is.

Painting my heart has been a release. A damn good one at that.

Homeslices III

i have a direct line to the Gods. dancing barefoot outside in the rain during monsoon season. electric rain bullets attacking, pounding down delicious ambrosia epiphanies into my otherwise starved body and brain. i have no abandon out here, splashing, shouting, laughing in the flooded streets. with the rain pulsing, pelting me, i believe i can accomplish anything. monsoon dancing stirs something from within my core. something more than the familiar numbness i’ve grown accustomed to feeling over the past several years. joy. ecstasy. empowerment. alive. i am ALIVE. then from out of the rain, you walked into my life. you are a vision. and you stir something from within my core. just like the Gods do, but really you are one of my Devils. only i don’t recognize it yet.

road trip is going well. haven't had a camera other than my phone, so i don't have many pictures, but i do have some to post.

it was soSOso good to see some of my favorite people in knoxville. then maggie and i headed to alabama to visit my oldest sister, barbara. we had such a great time there, neither one of us wanted to leave. i discovered that maggie truly is a waterbaby. not just bathtime. pooltime, too. we would have gone to the beaches there, but with the oil spill, that was a big fat no since the beaches were shut down. not so awesome. now we're in fayetteville, nc, visiting one of my best people, meka. while i may have not known her for very long before she left cleveland, we had a connection and what i would define as being an authentic friendship. our visit to her has only solidified my thoughts on our friendship and how blessed i am to have her in my life. heck, this whole trip thus far has clearly shown me how blessed i am to have such awesome people in my life who truly care about and respect me as much as i do them. they are all in my heart. and they are all in my family. tomorrow (well, later today) we are headed up to raleigh to visit dayna for the day before she jets off on her FREE TRIP to the cayman's until sunday. then we will get more dayna time on monday and tuesday before i meet john in virginia to do a maggie tradeoff so he can have some 1x1 time with our precious babe. i'll miss her so much, but i will admit i am looking forward to a little bit of downtime. she's a very busy baby, and a little break won't hurt me or her. this journey she and i have taken has been such a godsend. i have no other words.

i'll be checking in again soon. :)