Thursday, February 8, 2007

oh the horror

if you know me well to not-so-well, you are aware of the fact that i hateHATEhate shopping. it is definitely one of my least favorite things to do. if i could survive with ordering everything i needed in life online and have it delivered to my door, i would.

that said, the most tolerable type of shopping for me is grocery shopping. i don't mind it - in fact i enjoy it when i manage to go at a time of day when the store isn't extraordinarily crowded and parents aren't there with their little kids who inevitably end up pushing their carts into your heels and ankles. but i digress...

my typical modus operandi is show up at the store with a list, and get through the aisles as quickly as possible while managing to retrieve everything needed. that was the methodology i was employing today, and boy did it work! i was in that store at 4:15PM and out by 4:48PM. yes! out before the post-work, post-daycare rush!

but you see, it wasn't an entirely joyous experience as i had to spend the last fifteen minutes or so in line with the cashier from hell. no seriously. you have no idea. at first glance, she appeared normal to the naked eye. but this really was not the case. oh no. not at all. but before i knew this, i had already put my bounty of food and dry goods on the conveyor belt.

i'm waiting as she sluggishly runs my six pack of quilted northern over the scanner, so i head down to the little pay area and think to myself, "oh man, i bet this is going to take at least seven minutes." wrong-o, septic. it was going to take about fifteen minutes of pure unadulterated horror. you see, with the toilet paper, she had not yet started her commentary on everything i was purchasing.

soon after - actually when she saw i was purchasing diet canada dry ginger ale, she asked me if i was on a diet and why was i buying diet soda. i told her, "no. i am not on a diet but it really isn't your business anyway." her diet commentary continued as she scanned my yogurts, juice, and lean cuisine frozen meals - of which the frozen meals i often choose to eat on nights that i have practice since they are easy and take about five minutes to make. but it was really none of her business, and for that matter no one's business really. but her commentary had ONLY JUST BEGUN.

next up is my frozen spinach, broccoli, and brussels sprouts. to the third item, she exclaimed, "don't brussels sprouts make your pee smell funny?!" OH MY GAWD. PLEASE SHOOT ME IN THE FACE NOW. at this point, my face is hot and surely splotched with lovely red patches i could just tell...and then i started sweating. could she please just finish?!?! but she looks at me imploringly, like i was going to confirm or deny the fact that brussels sprouts, in fact, do make your pee smell funny. i mean, how do you respond to that?!?! i was flabberghasted and just stood there speechless.

moving on, she came across krusteaz blueberry pancake mix which i bought because my little sister introduced me to its wonderfulness this past weekend when i was snowed in eriePA. the cashier then starts talking about how great krusteaz is and how light and fluffy your damn pancakes end up being when made with this particular mix. screw bisquick and hungry jack. it's all about the krusteaz. now the thought of even making these pancakes makes my stomach turn. thanks cashier lady.

finally we get to my final two items - multi-purpose contact lens solution and a twenty ounce bottle of cherry coke zero because on an impulse, i HAD TO TRY IT. first she makes mention of the solution telling me that she KNEW i had to have contacts in because she ain't never seen no one's eyes so blue before. okay bithface. my eye color is real and i don't wear colored contacts, but it is no matter, because why would i even try to get a word in edgewise with Little Miss Cracky McTalksalot? then to the cherry coke zero. she had to declare that she KNEW i was on a diet even if i said i wasn't. you know, why else would a person even buy a diet soda product when they could have full sugar flavor? UGH. WHATEVER. then she hands me my soda and proceeds to ask me to open it and taste it in front of her. WAS I IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE?! yes. i think i was.

glory to the powers that be, she proceeded to total me out and eighty dollars and fifty-four items later, i escaped. i just about ran for my life when leaving the store. i mean, what kind of person does what she did when i was checking out?!?! so unnecessary and unnerving.

thankfully i wasn't buying tampons or condoms or something like that. what would i have been in for then? only she would know. of mystery horrifying hellish cashier.

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