i've recently purged a lot of crazy from my life. it's been good.

i hung out with one of my poet-friends last night. it was a good reminder of how there are so many rewarding things to do other than the one extracurricular activity i somehow let consume my personal life over the past six-seven months.

my friend, t, kept saying, "blinders off." quite apropos. i've been feeling the same, but didn't have a term for it. now i do. i thank her for that. now only if she and i could cross paths more often than once every few months or so...

i need more genuine, sincere people in my life. i've got zero tolerance for fake.

it's been awhile. and by awhile i mean -- MONTHS!
sorry to neglect you, blog. you need some redesign.

--

trying to install new software for work. and NOTHING is working the way it's supposed to work.
quite frustrating.
especially when i am fielding a call in t-minus 19 minutes.

--

i have a new friend in eriePA!
i have a few new friends in eriePA!
maybe this whole putting out more positivity is actually working.

--

as soon as i get my work crap finished, i'm going to buy that banjo.

beaster time, beaster time.

there are days i think my life is nothing but beaster time.

--

been spread so thin lately, i'm having trouble maintaining.

--

years ago there was an everclear song about being everything to everyone.
while i've never thought myself a pleaser, i'm discovering the whole life upheaval shit uncloseted it...the dreaded pleasing tendency.
my inclination to please was probably always there, i was just unaware.
before.
now i am.
it disgusts me.

i hope i can change it instead of continuing to engage in it.

--

i'm having a hard time standing up for myself when all i see is swampland in myself.
every day.
i don't want my daughter to bear witness to my unraveling, sinking, whatever you call it.
i will power through it.

--

i always do.

when i ask you a question and you answer, "whatever."
i want you to know "whatever" is insufficient.
it does not answer my question.
nor does it get you out of actually having to answer my question.

i'm like a cat.
i'll be back the very next day.
wanting the answer.
waiting for the answer.

meowing at your door.

i smell really effing good.

---

you tell me you are
"different"
but;
you are not different.
rather,
you epitomize harrison bergeron

--

thank you for showing me how another weapon works.
you thought i wasn't paying attention,
but all the information was retained.

--

sometimes i walk behind too slowly for others.
or am too scattered, flibbertyjittery
for others to understand.

--

but i am always present.
occasionally distant.
but always present.

--

end.

i listen to the words, but i'm having difficulty hearing the language.

so apparently i get more traffic the more often i post in here. go figure.

--

i've been open-eyed dreaming in ebony and plums.

performing the dead walk among the living.

rich in hue and dark in passion, there is unrest.

--

i need to unclog my brain.

it’s somewhere between sunrise and truth or dare games
played by children who run naked outside in snowstorms
when dawn knocks on the door
raging blood and cuts

paralyzation

you are a shock of red

burning bright in a sunrise looming within twilight
i see the blues in your flames

dusting your self off
trying to not scream
all the while your face
showcases your pain

you are me

i once was you.

-- listening to the arcade fire. the suburbs. i am ready to start and move mountains beyond mountains.

-- burned my left forearm today. making ghetto gourmet foodstuffs. it effing singes.

-- feeling rahther pretentious. has something to do with the fact that i'm so awesome.

-- yes.

This year I vow to take better care of my self.

That's what I got right now.

been sick with the worst flu EVER for about the past week now. i'm on the mend, but that explains why my next installment of ten items about me have yet to be posted. i think i've lost about five-ten pounds. funny, since people are supposed to be gaining weight around this time of year. stress+flu = weight loss. i'll hopefully have something more interesting to post in the next few days - along with the next installment of ten. i hope everyone else out there who reads this here blogger of mine is doing well in mind, body, and wealth-health. back to my space station...err, my couch.

so much poetry.

how much, you ask?

SO MUCH.

...more to come on the aforementioned. in the meantime, i'll be posting 10 more not-so-interesting-yet-still-interesting facts about yours truly later today.

word.

i think i'm going to start calling ohio oh-no-hi-oh again times infinity.

i'm drifting farther away and reaching further inwards.

there is an end or at least a solution which is and has started going into effect.

i just don't know how many more minutes of hours of days of weeks i can handle all of it.

it doesn't help when i am aware of the fact that i am consistently belittled in a passively manipulative way by someone with whom i care. it also doesn't help on the days when i am flat out ignored, steamrolled, bulldozed.

i'm struggling. it hurts.

i try to do the right thing. then when i do, it seems i get walked all over and taken advantage of by those of whom i'm helping/trying to help. i'm not sure why/how i consistently do this to myself. it's a pattern. i don't know how to break it.

The Suburbs

New Arcade Fire. Effing FANTASTIC.

So much going on in the life of Miss Karoline presently. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating on toxygen (toxic + oxygen = toxygen). As I continue moving forward with what I know I need to do for my own health as well as Maggie's, I keep discovering there is more and more work to be done. I'm digging through the layers of my earth, and beneath the surface there aren't just four layers, there are layers within the layers, and then the toxygen takes over and I am left breathless. I'm scared, yet excited. I'm overwhelmed, but I know I've been through worse things than this. A wise woman I know, my therapist, advised me to be a broken record to parties who refuse to listen. I think this is a smart move, yet in practice, it doesn't seem to be working; although, rationally I know it has only been less than a week, and sometimes messages aren't clear in such short timeframes. So I keep playing the broken record. Needle skipping on this one scratch. Repetition. Obnoxious in its unrelenting ways, but I know it's what I need to do to keep my sanity. Skip. Skip. Blip. Blip. Hopefully the message will register loud and clear over the next couple weeks, and I can then stop breaking records and start enjoying the music that I know is present in my future.

Self-Statements

I'm going to do my "facts" in installments of tens. These statements should probably not be called facts per se because while some may be facts, some will also be self-perceptions, and then I'm sure some will also end up being observations that others have made in regards to me over the years. I decided that I'll be calling these "facts," "self-statements." I can't think of what else to call them at this time. So until I think of something better or more interesting to call them, self-statements will do.

Here we go:

10 Self-Statements

01. I have four tattoos.
02. I think roadtrips are the BEST way to travel. Either alone or with someone who is good company.
03. I get red, hotface when I am nervous.
04. I do not excel at making small-talk with others.
05. I have a fiercely independent streak.
06. I read about eight books per month, which averages to about two books per week.
07. "Twin Peaks" is my favorite television show of all-time.
08. I crack my knuckles.
09. I have been told I have an annoyingly positive attitude. I have also been told I have an annoyingly cynical way of thinking at times. Combine the two concepts, and I figure I'm an optimistic pragmatist.
10. My father passed away before we ever got a chance to reconcile.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared.