It's pert near oh-five-hundred and I've yet to meet my dreamweaver, penultimate holder of beauteous sleep.

I'm up. STILL.

No thanks to you: Derbies; Love; Work.

That is all.

following through

Going back and reading through the past four or five years of having this here blogger, I realize I MASSIVELY FAILED at more than one of the blog-posting goals I had set up for myself. No, I'm not talking about the building of my own website because, frankly, that's definitely a priority that shifted, changed, and is no longer of importance to me. And I admitted it. In black. In white. On here.

So now here I am, waiting for the green light to leave CleveOH to head back to EriePA, thinking about some of my smaller failures over the past four-five years. Some of my more easily rectifiable failures. Which led me to think about how the power is in my hands - especially when it comes to my writing space. And my life space. And my workspace. And my brainspace.

I am embarrassed with myself because I did not follow through on two of the writing/blogging goals I had thought would be relatively facile for me get done. I am embarrassed because I cannot stand it when people in my life say they are going to follow through on something, then don't. I am well-known for my follow-through, but if I'm being honest with myself here, and of course you, my readers, I've also had my fair share of flaking out on things over the past years.

In the past, if I was unable to follow through with something, I usually did not have a problem accepting that sometimes I was unable to fulfill a commitment and let the person depending on me know that I was unable to fulfill said expectation. Then directing dependent person to other resources that could better fulfill their needs. It was also not as difficult for me (as it obviously has been over the past few years) to admit that I needed an extension or simply needed help in fulfilling expectations and following through on what I said I would do.

I'm trying to rebuild, reconstruct, patch up, whatever you want to call it - this characteristic of my self that I used to hold in such high regard because it was one of my best qualities, and I still hold it in high regard - even though I see I dropped the ball quite a bit over the past few years.

And while I'm disappointed with my self for doing that, I can't go back and change it per se, I can continue to improve and ideally prove through consistent demonstration, not only for others, but also for myself, that I am able to follow through, admit my missteps, accept responsibility, ask for help, change the situation(s), etc.

I am now, out in the open forum of my blog, admitting and accepting responsibility for this lesser quality I allowed to rear its ugly head in my life for a few years, and in response, have been proactively working on said lesser quality for several months now.

I still make missteps in my life, A LOT of them, but I learn from them, and change them, or work to change them - instead of saying it's life circumstance or that I have no control or any other number of excuses I know I've made - because I do have control over my choices and decisions.

This post was meant to more or less keep to my blog failures, but we all know it's also correlated to my real life.

Enter building blocks.

I'm going to redirect this post back to aforementioned blog failures. My two big blog FAILS over the past four-five years are: 1. Timeline - I still have two decades to finish posting.; 2. Self-Statements - Of the one hundred I said I would post, I only posted ten. TEN?!?! Really?!?!

If I calculate the completeness of each of these failures, I only achieved 33.33% of Timeline; 10% of Self-Statements. If I was graded or reviewed on these, they would definitely be considered failing scores.

I can't change the pre-existing failures, but I can do some extra credit by finishing and achieving these two blog topics that I've meant to complete because I want to and have wanted to...but for some reason, had not gotten around to doing. We all know I don't sleep much, so I can't say that I don't have time. That's a bullshit excuse.

This is one of the big changes I'm in-process of better understanding the motivations behind, dealing, and thus confronting head-on this year. No matter how uncomfortable I am.

Not just with the blog, but in all facets of my life. Taking ownership back, following through, asking for help when I need it, knowing when I am simply unable to fulfill an expectation or need to put it on hold, and then communicating that to any other parties involved.

That said. My two blog failures are going to be successes this year.

Time to get back on the road again...

thinking. thinking. thinking.

next steps. next steps. next steps.

relentless forward progress.
--
i'm so happy my day is finally over and done with and i have gained greater clarity on what i need to actually *do* to make the changes i need to make in order to improve lives.

not just my own.
--
turning pages, ending chapters, finishing books.
you might say.
or you might not.
--
maybe i'm amazed.
minus the "maybe."
--
it's taken some (un)objective heart and mind reasoning to get to where i am.
presently.
--
i am unabashed in my choices.
they are good ones.

if they turn out to not be so good, i will just have to suck it up, rethink, and change the process in order to continue making the best possible decisions and choices.
--
i'm in it for the long haul.
--
watch out world...
there's a semi-natural disaster of positivity building up its storm.
coming to a town near you.
--
i'm tired of the glum.
humdrum.
indifferent.
--
no more shitshows, at least in my life, if i have anything to say about it. :)

foucauldian

the disappearance of public executions therefore marks the decline of the spectacle.

we have no spectacles anymore in this culture.

everything is mediamediamedia.

i write this as i take advantage of my blog.

the sub-par facebook social media replacement.

yep.

jerkfaces unite!

let's admit just one thing.

you were never really my friend.

especially since you found me to be so trashable. disposable. garbage.

newsflash: you are the garbage.

you were: the friend too far gone into being hip and cool. the friend too far into posing a certain way. taking advantage of my naivete. the friend who judged so coldly and ruthlessly all the while expecting compassion and warmth in return.

because what you were going through was "so different." because you thought you could manipulate me.

because you thought you knew how to play my naivete like Mendelssohn.

you were wrong. unfortunate for you.

too bad i got smarter when it came to you. and too bad, i know the crap hands you play. too bad i see you for what you are. too bad i see me for what i am.

i do not discount ownership in breakdowns. especially when it comes to those pesky feelings. but really.

really?!?!

if i were you in the same sitch two years ago.

more than one year of knowledgeabilty. even if we were both wearing elistist asshats.

if i was truly your friend. if i was actually the person of such great relevance in your life as you posited me to be to you.

you to me.

i certainly would not betray you by being cold and unforgiving.

i would try to find some common ground. some way to better understand your pain(s), your past-present-future life experience. or some other semblance of existence on which we were actually able to relate.

congratulations on your judgmentalism. perhaps you should get your JD.

or wait.

no.

you are better than a law degree. since. you are so (un)hip, so (un)cool, so (un)above it.

enter middle finger.

traveling to st.clairsvilleOH for the derbies today.

nervous. excited. anticipatory. anxious.

--

eight hours 'til liftoff.

as of the past several weeks, there's been a major jack white music phase going on in my brain. and when i say "major," i mean, "MAJOR."

perhaps due to solar flares, i'm finding my self listening to more mamas & papas.

trying to understand correlation twixt the two. if any.

--

so i have a new mac. it's a powerbook. and it's silver.

i miss my old mac.

its cracked white shell.

my bruce springsteen sticker holding it together.

--

i miss a lot of things.

--

i wish a lot of things.

--

i change a lot of things.

--

and as far as wishes go.

i'm taking them back.

--

wishes get you nowhere.

it's all about action.

--

proaction.

i think i'm in love.
unlike any other previously experienced.

the kind worthy of:
eddie money. lionel richie. otis redding. air supply. elvis presley. glen phillips.

love.
actually.
good movie.

i have zero ideas on how to proceed.

just go with it. yes?!


knowing my modus.

let's see how i mess this up.